Run Away Little Girl!
by MoneButterfly
Summary: Emily is no longer able to compartmentalize things like she use to, so she finds another way to handle things. Warning: Self harm/cutting.
1. When it all began

Run away little girl!

* * *

Summary: Emily is no longer able to compartmentalize things like she use to, so she finds another way to handle with things. Warning: Self harm/cutting.

* * *

"_Prentiss, show me your arms."_

"_No."_

* * *

Three months ago:

It was too late. They were too late. They had caught the guy, but it was too late for them to save her. If they had just gotten their a few minutes earlier, then she would still have been alive.

Emily knelt by the little girl's body. It looked like she was just sleeping, but she was not. She was death because they were too late. The plastic bag was still around her neck and her face was light blue. Emily stroke the little girl's cheek. She was still warm. How could someone do a thing like this to a little girl? First he had kidnapped while she had been walking from her friend's house. Then he had raped her. He had raped that little, innocent girl. And then he had killed her. He had pulled a plastic bag over her head, so she could not breathe.

Emily felt her eyes burn. She stroked her cheek again and then she got up and walked away. Emily knew that she would never be able to get Annie's face out of her head.

When they got back to the hotel, Emily went straight to her room. She did not even hear that JJ had asked her if she would like to go out to get something to eat with her, Morgan and Reid.

When she reached her room she quickly ran in to the bathroom and closed the door.

* * *

"_Dammit, Prentiss! I want to help you! __Show me your arms."_

"_No! Just leave me alone."_

* * *

Two months ago:

"Your handwriting has changed." Reid stated.

_It has become a mess like my mind, _Emily thought. "Yeah maybe a little," she said and smiled at him.

He looked closely at that she was writing. "It's messy." He looked at her. "Is something wrong?"

"No, I'm just a bit tired."

"But the handwriting…"

Emily cut him off. "I know, Reid. Your handwriting changes, when your mood changes. And like I said: I'm just tired, that is all."

"Okay," Reid said and walked back to his desk and Emily started writing again.

"Hey Em," Morgan called.

Emily turned towards Morgan, who was standing in front of Hotch's office. "What now?" she asked annoyed.

"Don't bid my head off, girl. Hotch just wants to see you." Morgan said and walked towards her. "Emily, are you…"

"If another person asks me if I'm okay, then I'm going to shoot somebody." Emily warned him.

"Okay, I get the picture."

"Good," she said and walked to Hotch's office and knocked on the door.

"Come in."

Emily walked in and said down in one of the chairs in front of his disk. At first she did not look at him and was just waiting for him to started talking, but he did not. Emily glanced up at him. He looked worried.

"Prentiss…"

She sighed and said, "Don't ask me if I'm okay."

"I was not going to," he answered.

"Oh. Sorry! Please go on when."

"I wanted to asked, why you are tired all the time."

Emily looked down at her hands. "I just… Mhm…"

"Have nightmares? He asked. She nodded her head. "We all have dose."

"I know, it just… I have them every night, the same one."

"Are they about Annie?" Hotch asked.

"I thought that we weren't supposed to be profiling each other."

"I wasn't profiling you, it was just a guess. I saw the way you reacted, when you got the flowers from her mother. You picked them into pieces and then throw them out."

"She thanked me. She thanked me for finding her little girl, like I had promised. But she was death. We found her and she was death. Why would she thank me?"

"She thanked you, because she got her back. If we hadn't found her, she would never have known where her daughter was."

"Yeah, can I go now?"

"Sure."

Emily got up and walked out of the office. When she reached her disk, she got her things and left without saying goodbye till any of the others.

* * *

"_Prentiss, please. I'm worried."_

"_Don't be! There is nothing to be worried about, Hotch."_

* * *

One month ago:

"Is there something wrong with Emily?" Morgan whispered to JJ.

"Not that I know off," she said and looked over at Emily, who was staring out the window of the plane. "But she has been acting weird lately." JJ got up and walked over to her and sad down beside her.

"Emily, are you okay?"

Emily looked at her and smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just tired. I didn't get much sleep last night."

"Okay," JJ said and got up, but just before she got back to her seat, she said, "Oh Em, you have something on your sleeve."

Emily looked down and saw a red spot on her left sleeve. She hit her arm under the table while she looked through her bag after another blouse to wear. She quickly went to the bathroom, when she found another. She sat down on the toilet and toke of her blouse. For a while she just sat there in her pants and bra and looked at the fine cut on her arm. It had started to bleed again.

Emily ran her right index finger over the cut. She pressed down on it a little, so the blood started to run down her arm. Her glance was on the blood and she kept staring at it, while the blood ran further down her arm.

Emily reached into her pocket and found the razor. She placed it on her arm and she sliced a long mark right next to the other one. She closed her eyes when the feeling of numbness filled her body.

/

"Emily, are you okay in there?" Morgan asked.

Emily's eyes popped open. "Mhm… I'm fine; I will be out in a second."

She quickly grabbed a paper towel and wiped the blood away. She packed the razor away and put on the clean blouse. Emily opened the door and saw Morgan standing in front of her. He looked worried.

"Morgan, I'm fine," she said and gave him her best smile.

"Are you sure?" He still looked worried.

"Yes," she said with a little laugh and walked back to her seat.

"_Please."_

_A week ago:_

Emily woke up in a cold sweat, but this time it was not by the dream, but the sound of someone pounding on her door.

"Hotch, that are you doing here? Do we have a case?"

"No."

"Okay, but then why are you here? It is 2 in the morning?"

He did not answer her question. "May I come in?"

"Sure." She stepped aside so Hotch could inter. Emily closed the door and walked over to her couch. She sat down on it and looked over at Hotch, who was standing by the kitchen table. He was looking at her, but he did not say a word. For a couple of minutes they both looked at each other without say anything. Finally Emily broke the silence. "Why are you here?"

"I'm worried about you."

"Why?"

"You are not acting like yourself. You do not make fun of Reid with Morgan. You work all the time and you are always tired."

"It sounds like you are describing yourself," she with a smirk.

"You do not smile anymore."

"Don't profile me!"

"I'm not."

"Fine, if that was all, then I would like to get back to bed again, if you do not mind?" Emily said getting off the couch and walked over and opened the door for him.

"Of cause," Hotch said and walked after her. He stopped by the door and looked her in the eyes, when he stroked her cheek softly. "See you in the morning," he said and left.

* * *

"_I'm sorry."_

_

* * *

_

Yesterday:

Emily, once again, woke up in cold sweat with her heavy breathing filling the room. She had had a nightmare again. And again it was about Annie. Emily kicked the sheets and comforter off and slide easily off the bed. She wanted to feel numb. She wanted to be in complete control. That's all she wanted, since she could not control nothing else. And it was a power she needed, she wanted.

Emily closed the bathroom door. Lying before her was a small razor. She was always careful with where she cut and she knew it was wrong to do, but it did not make her stop. She still cut, never too deep and only on her arms.

Emily toke the razor and placed it on her wrist. The blade slid across her flesh. She let out a sigh of relief when she felt the pain spreading from her arm into the rest of her body. But she didn't become numb; the pain from her nightmare wouldn't disappear. Emily started crying and slide down the wall onto floor. The pain wouldn't go away. Normally she only had to cut ones for the pain to disappear, but not tonight. She toke the blade to her wrist and cut again and again. She just kept on going. She did not even stop, when she started to feel light headed.

Emily didn't stop cutting until her sight became blurrily and she finally started to feel numb. She lay herself down on the floor and smiled when darkness was all she could see.

Darkness could sometimes be so beautiful_._

/

Three hours later Emily woke up. She was still lying on the bathroom floor. Her left arm was covered in blood and the floor was a mess. She tried to get up, but her body was too weak, so she careful lay herself back down on the floor.

After about 30 minutes Emily tried to get up again. She grabbed the sink and slowly dragged herself to her feet. Her legs were shaking more and more with every step and her head was pounding. She walked slowly back to her bedroom and crawled into bed.

* * *

"_Emily…"_

_

* * *

_

Two hours ago:

Emily woke up, when her phone stared vibrating. She stumbled out of bed and grabbed it of her dresser.

"Prentiss."

"Emily, where are you?"

"Morgan?" Emily looked at her watch and saw that it was 09:47 a.m. "Oh crap!" Emily tossed her phone on the bed and ran to the bathroom to quickly take a shower. But she stopped in the door, when she saw the blood on the floor. Suddenly last night's events came back to her. She looked down at her arm. There was one big wound and a few smaller once.

/

When Emily finely got to work, it was almost 12 a.m. She tossed her things on her desk and sad down in her chair and closed her eyes. Morgan walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. Emily quickly turned her head around and looked at him.

"Oh, you look like crap."

"Thanks, that is so nice of you to say," she said sarcastic.

"Em, are you okay?" JJ asked as she walked towards them.

"Yes, I'm fine. I just over slept."

"You look pale," Reid commented.

"I'm always pale."

"When more when usually," JJ said worried.

"Maybe," Emily answered and smiled.

"Prentiss, can I see you for a minute?"

All of them looked at Hotch, who was standing by the door to his office. Emily nodded and got up of her chair and walked towards him.

"What do you think that is about?" Reid asked.

"I have no idea," both Morgan and JJ answered as Hotch closed the door to his office.

* * *

"_Don't."_

_

* * *

_

Present:

She traced the raindrops as they ran down the window. She was curled awkwardly into a chair by the window in Hotch's office. Hotch himself was standing next to her and trying to get her to listen to him.

"Emily, show me your arms."

"No." She could feel her eyes starting to burn.

"If you don't show me your arms, I will fire you."

"When fire me. I don't care." Emily said and got out of the chair and walked towards the door.

"Emily," he said, grabbing her wrist. She squirmed and pulled at his hand. With each tug he tightened his grip.

"Please show me your arms." He looked into her eyes like he was trying to read her. She was angered by this. _You don't know me. _She tugged harder.

"Let me go, Hotch." She said sternly. He didn't comply. And he wouldn't have if JJ hadn't come by.

"Hotch, I think," she was stopped. "What's going on here?"

Hotch let go off Emily and she hurried past JJ. Tears blinding, she went back to her desk and grabbed her things. Emily rushed to her car, jamming the keys into the ignition, and speeding off to her apartment.


	2. Alone

Run away little girl!

* * *

'_I want to paint my face_

_And pretend that I am someone else._

_Sometime I get so fed up_

_I don't even want to look at myself'_

* * *

Emily ran into her apartment and slammed the door shut behind her. She ran to her bedroom and threw herself down on the bed. With her head buried in her pillow she started screaming and crying. Emily had no idea that she was going to do now. She probably did not have a job anymore, and even if she did, she would not be able to look at Hotch again. He knew her secret.

"Crap, crap, crap! CRAP!" Emily yelled and got out of the bed again and walked into the bathroom. She was just standing there looking into the mirror. She wanted to break it so badly. Just smash her fist into it, but she did not do it. Instead she looked through drawer under the sink and found her razors, the once she used to cut herself with. She stared at them for at moment. Taking one of the razors and a towel out of the drawer, Emily sat down on the floor and passed the blade to her left forearm and cut.

She let out a slow breath and whispered, "What am I going to do now?"

Looking at the floor next to her, she noticed the pool of dried blood from the previous night. She grabbed the razorblade and the blood stained towel and put it back in the drawer. She stood in the doorway and looked into the dark bathroom. '_What am I going to do now?'_ ran through her mind again. Emily then closed the bathroom door and walked back to her bedroom. She crawled into the middle of the bed and Emily just laid there in fetal position for hours without moving.

Opening one eye and looking at the clock next to her on the bedside table, Emily noticed the time.

1:35 a.m.

She had been sleeping all day. She turned and pulled the duvet over her head, blocking out the beam from the streetlight coming though her bedroom window. Emily laid there under the covers for a long time, before her phone started to ring.

Emily was debating with herself if she should get up and answer the phone, but it stopped ringing and Emily closed her eyes again and pulled the duvet tighter around herself.

Emily had just fallen back to sleep, when her phone started ringing again. "Oh for God's sake, why can't people just leave me alone? It's almost 2 in the morning!" Emily yelled while she crawled out of bed.

She went downstairs and grabbed the phone out of her bag. "Prentiss."

"Emily, are you okay? Why haven't you answered your phone all day? I have called you seven times!"

"I'm fine, JJ."

"What the hell happened today?"

Emily did not know that to say and was silent for a moment, finally answering, "Nothing."

"Nothing? When I came into Hotch's office, he was holding your arm in a tight crib and you were crying! You call that _nothing_?" JJ yelled into the phone.

"JJ…"

"That is not:_ 'nothing'_, Emily. What happened?"

"It's late; can't we just talk about it some other time?"

JJ sighed. "Okay, fine. I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

Emily did not answer her question. "Mhm… Bye JJ," she said and before she hung up the phone. JJ question was stuck in her mind. _I will see you tomorrow, right?_ No, JJ was not going to see her tomorrow. Emily did not even know if she still had a job. Tears started to slowly fall down her cheeks.

Emily went upstairs again and back to bed. She was just so tired and she did not feel like being anywhere else, but in her bed hidden under the covers.

* * *

'_Sometime I find myself shaking_

_In the middle of the night._

_And then it hits me and I can't_

_Even believe this is my life.'_


	3. Help

Run away little girl!

* * *

JJ came to the office early to read through some files, but she could not concentrate. She kept thinking about Emily so she decided to go down to Emily's desk and wait for her there.

"What are you doing at Emily's desk?" Morgan asked as he walked through the glass doors.

"I'm waiting for her," JJ answered.

Morgan put his things down and looked puzzled at her. "Em is not in yet?" JJ shook her head I response. "That's weird. She is normally here before me. Well, except for yesterday."

"I know," JJ sighs. "I'm worried."

"Don't be. She will probably be here in a few minutes." Morgan assured JJ and put a hand on the shoulder and squeezed it lightly.

At 11:30 a.m. Emily had still not showed up. Both JJ and Reid had called her several times and Morgan had even stopped by her place to see if she was home sick or something like that. But Emily had not answered the phone, nor did she answer the door.

"Was she home?" JJ asked as she walked towards Morgan, who had just returned from Emily's place.

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. She didn't answer the door, so…"

"I'm going to talk to Hotch." JJ said and quickly walked up to Hotch's office.

He looked up at the knock on the door. "Come in." JJ walked in. "JJ, do you have something for me?"

"No, I just want to ask if you knew why Emily isn't here." She said and sat down.

"No, I don't."

"But…" JJ looked at her hands.

"But… What?"

"Something is wrong with Emily and I think she isn't here now, because of what happened between you and her yesterday." Hotch did not reply, he just looked at her and she looked up at him again. "Please tell me what happened, Hotch. Please! I'm so worried about her."

"I asked her to show me her arms."

"Her arms…?" JJ asked confused.

"Yes, her arms."

"Why?"

"That is not for me to tell."

"Hotch, I don't understand. What is going on with her?"

"I don't know."

JJ sighed and stood up to leave. She felt so confused, so lost. She did not know that to do about all of it.

"Do you remember Annie Blake?"

JJ stopped by the door. "Yes I do. Why?"

"Prentiss has been having nightmares about her and the case."

"That's way she is always tired."

"Yes."

"But Hotch, she doesn't want to talk about it." JJ brushed away a tear form her cheek. "I don't know what to do."

"We will figure something out, I promise."

/

Emily sighed. Someone was at the door again, knocking hard. _Why can't they just leave me alone?_ Emily though. Both Morgan and Reid had been by earlier and now one of the others was there.

"Emily?" Oh, it was JJ. "Em?" And Garcia. Emily pulled the covers over her head to make the sound of their voices go away.

"Emily, are you home?" Garcia said.

"Emily, open the door! We know you are there. The lights are on in your apartment." JJ said.

Oh the lights. They were always on. Emily did not like to be in the dark, except for the darkness in her bedroom. There had to be dark in there for her to feel save.

Every morning she would get out of bed and go turn off all the lights and get some coffee and a little to eat, then she wound go back to bed and just let the darkness in her bedroom surround her. But as soon as the darkness reached the other rooms, Emily would again crawl out of bed and turn all the lights on, get some coffee and then go lie in her bed again. She has not been to work for a week or talked to any of the team members. They came by every day to check up on her and they called all the time. Emily never answered. She did not want to talk to them. But Hotch never came by and he never called.

After the first five days, Emily did have any more food in her apartment and instead of going out and buy some more, she just stopped eating. She would rather do that then have to leave her apartment, leave her bed. She did not want to be any were but in her bed.

/

"Hotch."

He looked up from the case file he had been reading. "Yes?"

"We need to do something about Emily. It has been over two weeks now." Morgan said and walked into the office followed by JJ.

"She still doesn't answer when we call. We really need not do something!" JJ said.

"If she doesn't want to talk to us, then what can we really do?" Hotch said and looked at both of them.

"But Hotch, you promised that we will figure something out."

Hotch sighed and looked at his clock. It was 5:42 p.m. "Okay, grab your things and let's go."

"Go?" Both Morgan and JJ looked confused at Hotch.

/

Emily was on her daily 'turn on the lights' round, when someone knocked on her door. She had a big urge to yell at whoever was at the door to just 'fuck off', but she did not. Instead, Emily slowly walked to the stairs, but stopped when the person on the other side of the door called her name.

"Prentiss." It was Hotch, but that could not be. He would not come by.

Emily turned around, walked to the door and looked through the peep hole. It was Hotch, but JJ and Morgan were there as well.

"Emily, please open the door." JJ half begged.

Emily sighed and slowly opened the door. "What do you want?"

JJ and Morgan gasped when they saw her. Her skin was pale, her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she was wearing PJ pants and at t-shirt, which means what they had a full view of her arms and the cuts that covered them.

"May we come in?" Hotch asked.

Emily was just about to say no, but when she looked at JJ and saw the tears in her eyes, she answered, "Sure, come in." She stepped aside so they could inter. Emily looked back and forward between them. "So what are you doing here?" She asked.

"We were worried." JJ answered.

"There is nothing to be worried about." Emily said and quickly turned around to get away from them, but suddenly she became very dizzy and had to lean against the wall.

"Emily, are you okay?" Morgan asked and all three of them walked over to her. Hotch grabbed Emily's elbow so she wound not fall over.

"I'm fine." Emily tried to get free of Hotch's grip but she just became dizzier and had to lean against his side.

"When was the last time you ate anything?" Hotch asked and looked down at her.

"Mhm… I ran out of food some days ago," she answered.

"Why did not you just buy some more food?" Morgan asked.

"I didn't feel like leaving my apartment," Emily closed her eyes and leant her head down on Hotch's shoulder.

"Em, how many days are 'some days ago'?" JJ asked worried.

"12 days ago, I think."

"12 days?" JJ looked shocked at Emily, who just nodded her head yes.

"I'm going to bed." Emily stepped away from Hotch and walked towards stairs, when suddenly her legs gave in and everything turned black.

_

* * *

_

Life is a series of disappointments,

_Broken only by dark spells of depression. _


	4. Now they know

Run away little girl!

* * *

When Emily awoke, she was greatly displeased to find herself in a hospital bed. Her arms were bandaged up and her head hurt like hell. She wondered how long she had been there. How had she even gotten there? Everything was too confusing. Emily sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.

"Hey," she looked up at the sound of Morgan's voice. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine, can I go home now?" she asked and began to fiddled with her ID bracelet.

"No, not yet. You were badly dehydrated when you got here, so they want to keep you here for a little longer," he said with a sigh and sat down in the chair beside her bed. "Emily."

"What?"

"Look at me," she did. "Why did you cut yourself?"

"Why do most people cut themselves?"

"Most people don't."

"Well, then the ones who do."

"I don't know," Emily thought Morgan looked a little lost and a bit embarrassed, as he looked away from her, but he was the one who had wanted to talk about it. "Mhm… Reid told me a little about it after…" He looked at Emily with sadness in his eyes.

Emily did not know if she should be angry or not at them for talking about her behind her back, but what could she have expected after having them see her like they had. "It's okay. What did Reid tell you?" she asked with a sad smile.

"He told me that most people, who cut themselves, do it so they can feel they are a live."

"Yeah, that's right, but that is not why I did it."

"When why did you do it?"

"I'm not ready to talk about that just yet," she said and smiled a little. "How did I get here?"

"After you fainted back at your apartment, we called 911 and then you were brought here."

"We...?"

"Hotch, JJ and I. We came to your apartment. Don't you remember?"

Emily slowly remembered what had happened. "Right," she said and leant back in the bed, looking out the window. She suddenly noticed that it was not dark outside any more. "How long have I been here and where are JJ and Hotch and the others?" she asked and looked back at Morgan.

He looked at his watch. "You have been here for about 18 hours."

"Okay, and?"

"And Garcia, Reid and Rossi are at work. They came by when you were sleeping. JJ is down in the cafeteria and Hotch was called in for a meeting an hour ago," Morgan said.

Emily sighed, "That meeting is about me, isn't it?"

"He didn't say."

"But it probably is."

"Yeah," Morgan squeezed her hand and gave her a sad smile.

/

"You wanted to see me," Hotch said as he walked into Erin Strauss' office.

"Yes I did. Please sit." Hotch did as she asked. "So agent Hotchner, you told me that agent Prentiss wasn't at work because she was sick."

"Yes I did."

"I do not really think that I would call that _sick_, as if she had the flu or something like that."

"If it had only been the flu, than Prentiss would have shown up for work anyway," Hotch said with a little smile.

"I have been told that she was admitted to the hospital last night; because she was severely dehydrated do to the fact that she had not eating in 12 days and with multiple self inflected cut on her arms."

Hotch did not say anything.

"Is that true agent Hotchner?"

"Yes."

/

JJ sat in the chair beside Emily's bed. Emily herself had been asleep ever since Morgan had left the room. JJ had been sitting there for a long time just watching her as she lay there in the bed sleeping. She felt so bad about all of it, but mostly because she had not noticed that something was terribly wrong with Emily. She knew that Emily was hiding something, but she had never imagined that it was something like this.

JJ's phone started to ring; she quickly answered it and left the room, so she would not disturb Emily.

"Jareau."

"Hey JJ, it's me."

"Hi Garcia."

"How is Emily?"

JJ turned around and looked through the window into Emily's room. "She is sleeping… again."

"Okay, but how is she?"

"I do not really know. I haven't talked to her yet, but Morgan did earlier and he said that she seemed okay."

"I hope she is. I feel so awful about all of this."

"Yeah, me too, but Pen I have to go now, Emily is starting to wake up."

"Okay, say hi from me."

"I will. Bye Garcia."

"Bye JJ."

JJ walked back into the room and sat down on the side of the bed. "Garcia says hi."

Emily did not look at her she just fiddled with her ID bracelet, like she had done when Morgan came to see her. "Okay."

There was silent for some time, and then JJ could not take it anymore. "I'm so, so sorry, Emily!" she said and tears stared to run down her cheeks.

Emily looked up and was choked by what JJ had said. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything."

"That's the problem! I didn't do anything! I knew something was wrong, but I didn't do anything about it," JJ said as she buried her face in her hands and cried even harder.

"Hey, look at me. Look at me." JJ looked up at Emily. "This is NOT your fault. This is something I did to myself, so don't blame yourself." JJ nodded and Emily leaned forward and hugged her.

"Sorry to intrude, but I have to speak with Prentiss."

They let go of each other and looked at Hotch, who was standing by the door looking at them.

"It's okay," JJ said. "I have to get back to work anyway." She gave Emily another hug and said goodbye to both of them.

Emily carefully looked up at Hotch. She was almost afraid that he was going to yell at her or something like that, but instead he slowly walked into the room and sat down in the chair by her bed.

"How did the meeting go?" She asked.

"How did you know about that?"

"Morgan told me."

"It went well."

"So I still have a job?" Emily asked nervously.

"Yes you do."

"But…?"

"But Strauss had one condition."

"What is that?"

"You have to start seeing a therapist." Emily sighed. "I talked to your doctor, and she told me that they have a group, here at the hospital, for adults, who harm themselves."

Emily looked down ashamed, it sounded so bad then he said it like that. "Okay, I will do it."

"I'm glad to hear that, but not only that, but also that you will be coming back to work."

"I thought you didn't care," Emily said and crawled out of bed.

"Why?" Hotch asked.

"Because you never came by or called," she said and began working back and forward.

"I did call, every day."

"No you didn't!"

"Yes I did. JJ told me that you wouldn't answer your cell phone, so I called your home line instead, but you didn't answer that one either."

"But, but…"

"And I did come by; I just never came up to your apartment. Instead I would stand outside and as soon as you turned on the light I would leave again."

"Why?" Emily stopped walking.

"To be honest, I was afraid that you would kill yourself, so then you turned on the lights I knew that you were still alive. "

"But I thought that you didn't care, that you didn't care about me," she said and then tears slowly began to run down her cheeks. Hotch walked over to her. He held her face, thumb brushing over her cheekbone wiping the tears away. He pulled her closer and she wrapped her arms around his waist. Then he ran his hand over her face again and held her close.

He leaned down to kiss her gently on the lips. She kissed back and he let his hand drop from her face to her collar bone and then just below. He felt how her heart was pounding and whispered, "I do care about you."


	5. Becouse I kissed you?

Run away little girl!

* * *

"_I may seem crazy,  
Or painfully shy.  
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden,  
If you would just look me in the eye."_

* * *

"Emily?" Hotch asked looking around in the hospital room.

"I'm in here," Emily yelled from the bathroom.

"I brought you some clothes, like you asked."

Emily opened the door a little and stretched out her arm. He walked over and handled the bag with clothes to her. She grabbed it and closed the door again.

Hotch could hear the shower running as he sat down on her bed. It had been weird to look though Emily's things to find the clothes for her. He had felt like he had invaded her privacy, but it was Emily herself who had asked him and if she would not have wanted him to do it, she could just have asked JJ or Garcia instead, but she had not.

/

Emily wrapped a towel around her and stepped out of the shower, than she gathered her things and dried her body. Emily suddenly noticed the wet bandages on her arms; she had forgotten to take them off before her bath. She quickly put on underwear and pants, and then she slowly removed the bandages before putting on her blouse.

Emily rolled up her sleeves and looked into the mirror; even in her reflection she could see the scares and cuts on her arms. She hated the sight of her arms, but that did not make the urge to cut go away, the urge she had right now. She just wanted to make all the feels she had to go away. Especially the feelings she had towards Hotch, because she did not know how to deal with them. And if she cut than she did not have to, at least not for a few minutes.

Emily bit her lip and glanced towards her bag. She knew where in her bag there would be a razor hidden.

/

"Are you ready?" Hotch asked.

"Yeah, just a minute," A moment later Emily walked out dressed in her normal clothes. "Now I'm ready," she said with a small smile.

/

Emily opened the door to her apartment allowing both of them to walk in. The drive back to her place had been done in silence, and even now neither one of them said anything.

Hotch looked closely at her. "What did you do?"

"What?" Emily asked confused.

"You look like Jack, when he has done something he is not supposed to do. So, what have you done?" He asked and walked closer to Emily.

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Oh Emily," Hotch sighed. "Please show me your arms."

She slowly pulled up her right sleeve and hold out her arm for him to see. He ran his fingers over the newly cut wounds.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't apologize, just tell my why you did it."

Emily started to cry, "I can't."

"Yes you can," he said and pulled down her sleeve again.

"I did it because you kissed me."

"What? Me kissing you, made you cut yourself?"

"Not the kiss, but… I can't explain," Emily sighed.

"So if I kiss you again, it wouldn't make you hurt yourself?"

Emily wiped her eyes. "No it wouldn't. Only the thoughts about why you kissed me would."

"Okay," he said. "I kissed you, because I care about you and I will kiss you again, because I like you." He leaned down and kissed her. She wrapped her small arms around his neck as he pulled her closer. Their kiss was passionate but fragile. Then Hotch pulled back, he could see the remaining of the tears on her cheeks and the sadness in her eyes.

"Do you want me to go?"

"No, please stay," Emily said. There was an undertone of begging in her voice.

"Sure," Hotch smiled and gave her a little kiss on the lips and walked them over to the couch and sat down. Emily laid her head on his shoulder and Hotch wrapped his arms around her.

"Will you stay with me?"

"Of course, I already told you I would."

"I don't mean here now, but while I get better."

"I will stay with you for as long as you want me to," he said and kissed her forehead.

* * *

"_I'm not a stranger,  
No I am yours.  
With crippled anger,  
And tears that still drip sore."_


	6. I’m not fine, but I’m going to

Run away little girl!

* * *

Emily looked nervously through the glass doors to the bullpen before she walked in. Everyone was there. It had been three weeks since she had seen most of them, but even longer since she had really talked to any of them. Opening the door, she slowly walked up to everyone. She carefully looked back and forward between them, afraid they would be angry at her.

"Emily!" Garcia jumped up from her seat by Morgan's desk and quickly ran towards Emily with a big smile. She swung her arms around her and hugged her tight. "I'm so glad to see you!"

"I'm really glad to see you, too, but if you don't let go of me, than I'm going to suffocate."

"Oh, sorry. Here you go," Garcia loosed her grip.

Emily was so relieved. It was not only Garcia who was smiling at her, but all the other were as well.

"How are you?" Rossi asked and laid a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm…"

"Don't say that you are fine!" JJ warned.

"I wasn't going to," Emily said and smiled at JJ. "And I'm not fine, but I'm going to be."

"That's for sure!" Morgan said and hugged her.

/

The day went on like usual and everyone was acting normal towards Emily, which she was grateful for. Hotch had not been by to see her, but Emily had seen him looking at her through the blinds in his office. It made her smile, because it meant that he cared, and he had told her that he like her. If Hotch only knew how much Emily liked him, too.

Emily was gathering her things, when Morgan and Reid looked over at her curiously.

"Where are you going?" Reid asked.

"I'm going to talk to Hotch and then I have an appointment at the hospital."

"Are you not okay?"

"Derek, like I said before, I'm not fine now, but I'm going to be," Emily said with a little smile, "and Strauss is making me see a therapist, so let's hope that it helps."

"I hope it does, because I just really want to see you happy again."

"Thanks," Emily said and walked off.

/

"Knock, knock."

Hotch looked up and saw Emily standing by the door. "Hey."

"Hey," she said and walked in and closed the door behind her. She sat down on his couch and Hotch went around his desk and sat down beside her, but neither of them said anything for some time. Emily started running her fingers over the back of Hotch's hand and then said, "I'm nervous."

"About the meeting?"

"Yes." she nodded her head.

"You don't have to be nervous. I'm sure everything will be fine," he said and toke her hand in his.

Emily sighed, "I know, it's just… I will have to talk about things and I don't do that. I put things in to boxes and hide them away in my mind. I don't talk!"

Hotch smiled a little, "But you will have to start doing it now."

"Yeah," Emily looked at her watch and saw that it was time for her to get going. "I have to go now," she said and got off the couch.

Hotch stood with her and walked her to his office door. "Don't be too nervous and take the rest of the day off."

"I will," Emily squeezed his hand a little and left.

_

* * *

_

Tears dry up.  
Wounds heal up.  
But scars never fade!

* * *

Emily walked through the doors of the hospital and into the elevator. Emily got off on the sixth floor and started looking for room 614. She walked back and forth, but was not able to find the room, so she decided to ask for help at the nurses' station.

"Excuse me, can you please help me?" Emily asked the young, redheaded nurse behind the counter.

"Yes, what can I do for you?"

"Hmm… where can I find," Emily stopped when she heard someone yelling. Both she and the redheaded nurse turned to look in the direction of the sound.

"I'M NOT GOING!"

"It's for your own good."

"YEAH RIGHT, BUT I'M NOT GOING!"

"Maddy, please calm down."

At the sound of something breaking, the nurse ran into the room. Emily walked slowly to the door. The first thing she saw was a tray on the floor with broken pieces of glass around it and an empty hospital bed. As Emily came closer, she could see the nurse and a woman around her own age with blond hair and blue eyes. In the other end of the room was a young girl dressed in a hospital gown and a long sleeved hooded top. She had dark brown/black hair like Emily and the same blue eyes as the woman.

"Maddy, don't act like this. You are not five years old."

"NO, I'M 19, WHICH MEANS THAT YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME, WHAT I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT DO!" Maddy yelled.

"Madeline Michelle Moon, you are going and there is nothing you can do or say to get out of It." her mother said.

Maddy had her back pressed against the wall and was looking for a way out, but she was surrounded, and that was when she noticed Emily. "Please help me!" she begged.

The nurse and Maddy's mother turned around and looked at her. Emily did not know that to do or say, so she just stead by the door. Maddy sighed and Emily could see in her face, how she had just given up the fight. Maddy slowly walked back to the bed and crawl into a bold on top of the covers. Her mother stroked hair and told her how good a little girl she was. Emily thought it seemed wrong. The girl was 19 and her mother was standing there calling her a good, little girl.

"I'm so sorry for all of this," the nurse said walking up to Emily. "What was it you need help with?"

"Oh, I'm looking for room 614."

The nurse looked at Maddy and when back at Emily. "Just come with me, and I will show you where it is."

Emily looked over her shoulder at Maddy before she followed the nurse out of the room.

_

* * *

_

Sadness. Loneliness. Pain.


	7. First meeting

Chapter 7

* * *

"_Sigh one time, smile and keep up the appearances."_

* * *

Emily was shown into room 614 by the redheaded nurse. It was large and in the middle of the room was fifteen chairs placed in a circle. There were two women already sitting in the circle and a woman standing by a table in the other end of the room looking through some papers. Emily guessed that she was the psychologist.

"You can just take a seat where ever you like," the nurse said and pointed to the chairs. Emily walked over and sat down in a chair opposite the two others women. The woman with the papers approached Emily and said, "I'm Dr. Hall. You must be Emily Prentiss." Emily nodded. "It's nice to meet you," she said and walked over to a chair a couple of seats away from Emily.

Emily looked at her watch, 1:52 p.m., there was still 8 minutes till the meeting was going too stared. At first, she was afraid that there would not be more people, which meant that there would be more focus on her, but slowly more people came in and sat down. A young woman sat down on Emily's left side. She looked about 25 and had strawberry blond hair. On Emily's right side sat a woman at around 50 with grayish-brown hair.

"Hello everyone," Dr. Hall said and smiled, "As you can see, we have a new member to our group."

Everyone looked at Emily and she looked a bit nervous back at them. "Hi I'm Emily."

"Hi Emily," everyone said.

_Oh God,_ Emily thought, _I feel so stupid being here._ People began talking, but Emily did not really listen. She just looked around at all of them, one by one. That was then she noticed the girl from earlier, Maddy. She was sitting on the chair with her legs pressed to her chest and her arms around them. She rested her head on top of her legs and her eyes were closed. She no longer wore the hospital gown, but a pair of big, baggie PJ pants and the same hooded top as earlier.

"So before we stop for today, I would like to ask you a question, Madeline," Dr. Hall said.

"Mhm…" Maddy answered.

"What are you doing back here at the hospital?" Dr. Hall asked.

"I cut my wrist in attempt to kill myself," Maddy said without even opening her eyes.

Emily instinctive looked down towards Maddy wrists; there she saw the rim of the white bandage on her left arm.

"Would you like to tell us why you did that, because we all thought that you were doing so great?"

Maddy sat up straight and looked angrily at Dr. Hall. "My mother and you can demand me to come here, but to you can't make me to talk or tell you anything!"

"No, we can't, but you are being released in a couple of days and I would like to know how you feel about that."

"How I feel like being released into my mother's custody? I would rather die when to go live with her again, but that is apparently not an option for me, because I have failed to end my life four times."

"You have tried to kill yourself four times?" Emily asked a bit choked.

"Yes Miss Prentiss, I have, but I'm obviously doing something wrong seeing that I'm still here."

"Okay, I think we should stop now," Dr. Hall said.

"Great!" Maddy jumped from the chair and almost ran out the room. Emily remained still in her seat for a minute. _How did she know my last name? I never told it to everyone here,_ she thought, but as the others started to pack up there things, Emily did the same. She wanted to go see Maddy, but she did not have time for it now, so she decided to come back again later that night after her dinner with JJ and Garcia.

/

When Maddy got back to her room, she grabbed her diary and went to the bathroom. There she looked the door and sat down on the floor with her back pressed against it and started to write.

_I met Emily Prentiss here at the hospital today. She did not recognize me, but that is okay. It has been over ten years since she last saw me, but it was so weird seeing her again and at a like this places. I would never have guessed that she would end up as a cutter. I hope she will come to the next meeting, which means that I'm actually looking forward to it. I never thought that that would ever happen, but she was always my hero! _

/

Emily arrived at Garcia's apartment at 5:00 p.m. like they had planned. They had decided to make dinner together instead of going out, because they always had fun doing that.

Garcia grabbed the lasagna out of the oven while Emily and JJ sat the table. Garcia put the lasagna and salt on the table and they started to eat.

"So Emily, we need to find you a boyfriend," JJ said.

"Oh yeah, we really have to, because I have Kevin and JJ have Will and Henry." Garcia said with a big smile.

"I don't really think that I'm ready for it just now."

"Well, then in a couple of months maybe," Garcia said.

Emily smiled a bit.

"Hold on a second, why are you smiling?" JJ asked.

Emily bit her lower lip and looked down, trying to hide the redness in her cheeks.

"Who is he?" They both asked smiling widely.

"I'm not going to tell you just yet, but later."

/

Emily ran through the rain to her apartment building. It had started to rain on her way home from Garcia's place. She dropped her things by the door and grabbed the home phone and sat on the windowsill. Emily looked out the window at the rain while she dialed Hotch's number.

It rang five times and Emily almost hung up the phone, when it was answered.

"Aaron Hotchner's phone Haley speaking."

In the background Emily heard Jack and Hotch laughing, _"Daddy, the water is too hot."_

"_I know, but I told you not to jump into the tub just yet." _

Emily did not know that to say. Why was Haley at Hotch's apartment?

"Hello?"

"Oh, it's Emily Prentiss, may I speak with Hotch?"

"Hold on just a minute… Aaron, Emily Prentiss is on the phone for you_."_

"Hello, Emily? Is everything alright? Did something happen?"

"No, nothing happened. I actually just wanted to tell you about my day, the meeting, but I guess this is not a good time for us to talk. I will see you tomorrow, Hotch. Goodbye."

"No, Emily, wait!"

Emily hung up the phone and threw it across the room. _Why is he with Haley? He told me he liked me, but when why is he with his ex-wife? But it is for the best that he is with Haley, _Emily when thought, _because he is my boss and that means I can't be with him. He deserves to be happy and he can be that with Haley and Jack._ Emily wrapped her arms around herself as if she was trying to hold herself together. She leaned her head against the window as tears started to run down her cheeks. She had falling in love with him and at that moment he had broken her heart.

As Emily sat in the windowsill crying she forgot all about her plans to go se Maddy.

* * *

"_Outside it's raining,_

_The sky keeps crying with me,_

'_Cause I am being sad, when I ought to be glad._

_Inside it's hurting,_

'_Cause I am falling love with a man that I know I can't have."_


	8. Who is Maddy?

Run away little girl!

* * *

Emily had fallen asleep at the windowsill and when she woke her entire body hurt. At first she did not know what had woken her, but then there was a sound of someone banging on the door and she remembered. Emily jumped down from the windowsill and walked to the door. She looked through the peephole and saw Hotch standing on the other side of the door.

"Go away, Hotch!"

"Emily, open the door."

"No!"

"I need to talk to you."

"No, go away or I will call the police."

"Emily…"

"No!"

Hotch slowly walked away, and Emily slid down the wall by her front door and hugged her legs to her chest. But, then there was a knock on the door again.

"Go away, Hotch!" Emily did not even have to look; she knew it was him again.

"I will. Just promise me that you won't hurt yourself."

"Sure."

_Yeah, right! Like that is a promise I can just keep, _Emily thought as she got up from the floor and walked upstairs to her bedroom.

* * *

"_I cut myself today, it's all for you, how do you like what I'm becoming?"_

* * *

"Where have you been?" Morgan asked as Emily walked through the glass doors.

"Sorry, I overslept."

"You never do that."

"Today I did and I have done it before."

"Yeah, well…"

Emily sighed, "what do you want, Derek?"

"Hotch, wants to see you." Morgan laid a hand on her shoulder and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just didn't sleep so well," she said as she walked away.

/

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes." Emily walked in and sat down in one of the chair by his desk.

"I want to talk to you about last night."

She sighed, "I don't."

"Emily, I…" He stopped. "Accident?"

She glanced up at his eyes and then followed his gaze to the band-aid on the wrist.

"Of course," she said and looked away from him.

"Let's hope it doesn't happen again."

"Let's." Emily walked out of the office and closed the door behind her.

Hotch sighed. She had cut herself again because of him.

/

The elevator stopped on the sixth floor and Emily got off. She walked down to Maddy's room, but was stopped by a nurse.

"Can I help you, Miss?" she asked.

"No thank you, I'm just going to see Madeline," Emily said and smiled nicely at the woman.

"Oh, that is so nice, because she don't have that many visitors. But she isn't in her room right now. She is talking with her doctor."

"Do you know when she will be back?"

"Yes, she will be back in about 10 minute or so. You can wait in her room if you like."

"Thank you."

Emily walked into the room and sat down in the chair by Maddy's bed. She looked around the room and saw the corner of a red notebook under the pillow. Emily leaned forward and grabbed the book. On the cover there was written _'Maddy's poetry; keep out!'_, so she carefully laid the notebook back under the pillow. As she did, she noticed another book on the nightstand. It was 'Alice in Wonderland'. Emily had loved that book when she was a little girl. She ran her hand over the cover of the book.

"You still like 'Alice in Wonderland'?" Emily looked up and saw Maddy standing in the doorway.

"How did you know?"

"You told me yourself, when you gave me the book."

"What," Emily looked confused at her.

Maddy walked over and grabbed the book. She opened it on page one and showed it to Emily. Right there on the page was a little picture of a 24 year-old Emily and a little 5 year-old girl. Above the picture there was written _'For my little Maddy, I will never forget you. Love, Emmy'_.

"But you did forget me. You didn't even call me after my sister dead."

"You are Patrick Moon's daughter."

"Yeah."

"He worked with my mother."

"And you would play with me all the time. I even liked all the parties my parents dragged me to because I knew you would be there," Maddy said with a sad smile.

"I'm sorry I didn't recognize you."

"That is okay, it have been over 14 years since you last saw me."

Emily looked at Maddy who was sitting on the side off her bed. She leaned forward and stroked her cheek, but Maddy moved away from her touch.

No one said anything.

Maddy laid down on the bed and curled into a ball with her back to Emily. She looked out the window and saw that it was starting to get dark. Emily got up from the chair and walked to the door.

"Will you please turn on the night light before you leave?"

"Sure," she said and turned it on. "Are you afraid of the dark?"

"Yes."

Emily wanted to ask why she was afraid of it, but she didn't. Instead she walked over to Maddy and pulled the cover over her and left.

/

As Emily walked out of the hospital she pulled her phone from her bag and called Garcia.

"Hey pretty girl, what can I do for you?"

"Hi Pen, I need you to do me a favour."

"Sure, what do you need?"

"I need you to find as much information on a girl named Madeline Michelle Moon."

"Okay, I will call when I find something."

"No, you don't have to. I will just come by your office tomorrow and get it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, and thanks Garcia."

"Sure thing, I will see you tomorrow."

"Bye."

Maddy crawled out of bed again the second Emily left the room. She locked herself in the bathroom and removed a razor she had hidden in the bandage on her left wrist. No one had thought to cheek for sharp objects there and Maddy was grateful for that. She pulled her PJs down and pressed the razor to her right thigh. She cut dip, but not dipper when usual and slowly blood started to run down her thigh and into the floor. She closed her eyes and tried to forget all the bad things in her life.

* * *

"_When I cut myself the pain goes away. When I look at my scars it brings it all back__"_


	9. Maddy's Poetry Keep out!

**Maddy's ****poetry**

* * *

A silent scream,

A long fine cut.

The blade slices across my skin.

No one can hurt me now,

No one can do me harm.

The fear and pain disappear.

I feel no quilt for what I do,

I feel no regret.

If I did not hurt myself this pain would make me dead.

* * *

There was a little girl,

She cried all the time.

Her heart was sad,

Her home was broken,

Mom and dad were never there.

They were busy saving the world,

They forgot their little girl.

* * *

Watching the blood drip into my hand,

I can no longer remember who I am.

A promise is broken one again,

Will I ever be strong enough to win?

I'm so lost within,

I can't even remember were I've have been.

Can't keep the promise I have made,

So I lie another day.


	10. Explanation

Run away little girl!

* * *

"So, Garcia, what have you gotten for me about Madeline?" Emily asked as she walked into Garcia office.

"Well, my dear Emily, I have some information, but it's not a lot."

"That's okay; just tell me what you got."

"Madeline Michelle Moon. 19 years old. Born on June 15th 1989 in New York. Parents' names are Patrick and Ann Moon. She had a younger sister, Maggie Marie Moon."

"Yeah, she died."

"Killed, actually," Garcia said and looked up at Emily.

"What happened?" Emily asked as she looked at the picture of Maddy and Maggie on Garcia's screen.

"Burglary gone wrong. The guy killed the little girl in living room by stabbing her in the chest three times," Garcia sighed.

Emily kept looking at the picture. She remembered Maggie, and Maddy had been so proud of her. The last time Emily had seen them, before they moved away, they had been five and one. She had given both of them a 'goodbye gift'. The 'Alice in Wonderland' book for Maddy and a pink bunny for Maggie.

"What about Madeline?" Emily could feel the panic in her stomach as she thought about what may have happened to Maddy that night.

"They first thought that she was missing, but she was later found in a closet in her bedroom. She had locked herself in there and was refusing to come out. It was suspected that she had witness the whole thing."

"That explains a lot." Emily had a clear image of the eleven year-old girl hiding in the closet. Scared out of her mind.

"What do you mean? And how do you even know this girl?"

"It's a long story," Emily said and gather her things. "I have to get back to work."

"But Em…" Garcia did not have time to say more, before Emily walked out of the office. "I have more."

/

Emily had trouble concentrating. She kept thinking about everything else but work. At first it was Maddy who was stock in her mind, but for the last hour she had been thinking about Hotch and the phone conversation two nights ago. She still had not talked to him about it, even though he wanted to. She just couldn't. She was afraid of what he was going to say.

Hotch walked down the stairs and noticed that none of the others were there except Emily. He walked towards her and asked, "Where is everyone else?"

"They went out to get something to eat," Emily answered without looking up at Hotch.

He checked his watch and saw that is was noon. _Lunch time!_ "Why didn't you go with them?"

"Because I have a lot of work to do."

"Why do you…"

Emily cut him off and answered almost angrily, "Because I can't concentrate!"

"That's on your mind?"

"Nothing I want to talk about. Can I get back to work now?"

"Of course." Hotch walked a couple of step away, then he looked around to make sure no one else was there and walked back to Emily.

"Emily."

"Yes?" She looked up at him.

"The night Haley came to my apartment, she only came to drop Jack of, because he had wanted to see me, and so she could tell me in person that she had started seeing a guy and she wanted him to meet Jack," Hotch answered and walked back to his office.

Emily just sat there looking after him. She did not know that to say or do.

_

* * *

_

Maddy says she's all alone.

_Says the world doesn't even know,_

_About the pain she hides inside._

_Says happiness is just a lie._

* * *

"I didn't think you would come back after your visit last night," Maddy said when she noticed Emily in the doorway. She walked in and sat in the same chair as last night.

"I thought that you might wanted some company," Emily said with a smile.

"Because no one visits me? My mother is actually here today."

"Oh," Emily said and looked a bit nervous towards the door.

"I guess you don't want to meet her and have to explain what you are doing here."

"Yeah sometime like that."

"Well she is outside talking on the phone with someone from work, so it will be half an hour or so before she comes back."

"She works a lot?"

"Yes, and she all ways have. Just like my father."

Emily looked sadden at Maddy. She knew just what she was talking about. Her parents had also worked all the time when she was a child, and now she was a workaholic herself.

"Don't look at me like that. I'm used to it. Just like all the fake happiness."

"What?" Emily looked confused.

"Fake happiness! That is what all the pictures we have on the walls at home are. It is fake! Can't even remember the last time I felt happy in that house."

"Hide your weakness away and smile," Emily said with a sad smile.

"Exactly!"

Maddy was sitting on the bed in fort of Emily. She was swinging her legs back and forward and playing with the rim of her shirt. She was looking down when she said, "After we moved away and I… Mhm… _Lost_ you, I felt so alone. I was just a little girl, but people expected so much of me. You were the only one, who let me be the little girl that I was. And when we moved all I had was Maggie. She was my everything and when she died…" Maddy pulled her legs to her chest and carefully wiped her cheeks, hoping Emily had not noticed that she was crying, but she had.

Emily moved closer and placed her hands on top of Maddy's and stroked them.

Maddy sighed. "Then I was alone again. I didn't know how to deal with it. Her death. So I hid everything away. I refused to cry and pretended I was fine." She laid her head on top off her knees.

Emily got up from the chair and sat down next to Maddy. She put her arm around her and laid her head gently on top of Maddy's.

"Happiness is a lie," Maddy whispered just loud enough for Emily to hear.

/

"Hotchner," he said into the phone as he turned on the lamp on the bedside table.

"It's me."

Hotch suddenly became more awake. "Emily, that it's wrong."

"Everything," she said just above a whisper.

"Where are you?"

"I'm outside."

"Outside?"

"Outside your place."

Hotch walked to his front door and pulled it open. Emily was sitting on the floor with her arms wrapped around herself. She looked so fragile sitting there alone in the dark. He grabbed her hand and helped her from the ground.

Inside Emily stopped in the middle of the hall. _I shouldn't have come. Now he will ask a lot of questions about why I'm here. Question I can't answer, _Emily thought.

"Please don't ask why," Emily said. "I can't answer any questions right now."

"Come on Emily," he said and grabbed her hand. "You can sleep in my bed and I will sleep on the couch."

She followed him to the bedroom and sat down on the bed. He was just about to leave when she spoke.

"Don't go."

"You're sure?"

"I'm afraid to fall asleep."

He toke that as a yes and sat down beside her.

"You had a nightmare?"

"Yes."

"About Annie?"

"It was the same dream, but this time it was Maddy who died."

Hotch was just about to ask who Maddy was, but he decided to wait. He would ask her in the morning.

"Happiness is just a lie," Emily mumbled.

"What?"

Instead of answering him she leaned forward and kissed him. He ran a hand through her hair as he kissed her back. Emily broke away and laid down on the bed. Hotch leant over her and let his hand meet her face. He slowly brushed some strands of hair away from her face. He closed his eyes and kissed her lips. He kissed her neck. He kissed her shoulder. He leaned back slightly he turned her so her back was pressed against his chest. He kissed the top of her spine. Emily shivered and closed her eyes. Hotch wrapped an arm around her and whisper into her ear, "I will keep you save."

_

* * *

_

While her eyes are still held shut.

_She can hear you breathing softly._

_Your words echo in her mind,_

_And your words are clear and she knows that you are here._


	11. Nightmares and panic

Run away little girl!

_

* * *

_

Emily looked around Maddy's old bedroom. The walls were white with pink butterflies on them and in the left corner was the bed. Maddy was sitting on it. She was wearing a light yellow nightgown with red and pink flowers on it. Emily slowly walked closer to Maddy and saw she was crying. Emily knelt down in front of her and asked, "Why are you crying, Maddy?"

"_I can't breathe," she said and wheezed. "Please help me, Emmy."_

"_What?" Emily looked at Maddy's neck and saw the plastic bag around it. Emily fanatically tried to removed the plastic bag while tears ran down cheeks, but she could not get it off. Maddy's cries slowly stopped. Emily finally got the bag of her neck, but it was too late she was no longer breathing._

"_Come on Maddy, come on!" whispered Emily as she took Maddy into her arms and started rocking back and forth, kissing her head._

/

"Emily," Hotch said as he shocked her shoulder lightly. "Emily, wake up."

Hotch had woken up when Emily stared twisting and turning in the bed. At first he had just put his arms around her and told her everything was going to be okay, hoping that it would be enough for the nightmare to go away. But then she had started crying and he decided to wake her.

"Emily, wake up."

Emily opened her eyes and it toke her a moment to remember where she was. Even though it was like the tenth night was had spend in Hotch's bed, it still took her a little while to remember. Hotch brushed some hair away for her face and stroked her cheek. She leant in to his touch and kissed the lower part of his palm.

"I hate nightmares," Emily mumbled and moved closer to Hotch.

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"There is not much to tell."

"Was it like the others?"

"Almost."

"What was different?"

"Well, I don't dream about Annie anymore, only Maddy and she is not death when I find her. And I'm doing all I can to save her, but it is not enough and she slowly dies in my arms."

Emily moved closer to Hotch, so close that there was no air between them. She grabbed a hold on his shirt and buried her face under his chin. "Please hold me tight?" Hotch did as she asked and Emily pressed her herself even closer against him.

"Tighter!"

"If I hold you any tighter I will suffocate you."

"If you don't hold me tighter, then I'm going to run out of this room and lock myself in your bathroom with God only knows how many sharp objects in there."

Hotch quickly tighten his hold on her even more. Emily stared humming in attempt to get her mind of the need to cut that she felt at the moment.

After a couple of minutes Hotch asked, "What is that song you are humming?" He knew he knew the song, but he could not figure out which one it was.

"It's 'Twinkle twinkle little star'."

"Oh, yeah."

"You know it?"

"Haley sometimes sang it for Jack when he was younger."

Emily started humming again and slowly shifted over to actually sing the words.

"_Twinkle, twinkle, little star,_

_How I wonder what you are._

_Up above the world so high,_

_Like a diamond in the sky._

_Twinkle, twinkle, little star,_

_How I wonder what you are."_

Hotch felt, how Emily stared to relax as she sang and he slowly loosened his hold on her.

"Don't let go of me!"

"I won't," he said and stroked her back.

"I need to tell you something, Emily, but you have to promise me that you won't be mad at me."

"Okay," Emily said a bit hesitated.

"You are really bad at singing."

Emily looked up at Hotch and smiled. "My mother has always told me that I was tone-deaf."

"She was right."

"Yeah I know, but I still like sing even though it doesn't sound that good."

"I like it, too," Hotch said and kissed her.

/

The team had not had a case in a long time and Emily was actually looking forward to getting one. She knew it was bad to wish for people to get murdered, but she just really wanted to start working again, really working and not only doing paperwork. It was boring to sit in the office all day writing one report after another. And then one morning the call came. They had a case!

Emily got dressed and drove to work as quickly as she could, but when she got there no one else had. She sat down by her desk and waited. A few minutes later Morgan walked through the doors and Emily smiled at him.

"What are you smiling about?" He asked as he put down his bag by his desk.

"We have a case," Emily said and her smile grew even bigger.

"You do know that someone had to die in order for us to get this case, right."

"Yes I do and I feel horrible about that, but we actually have real work to do."

Rossi and Reid walked in and together the four of them walked up to the conference room where Hotch and JJ were waiting for them. They sat down and JJ started telling them about the case.

Reid leant into Morgan and asked, "Why is Emily smiling?"

"We have a case," were all Morgan said. Reid looked confused at him, but kept quiet.

Emily's smile slowly fated away as JJ told them the details about the case. Young girls between the ages of 11 and 17 years were being raped and murdered. She started breathing faster and faster. Her head hurt and she could not feel her hands and part of her arms anymore. Emily laid her forehead down on the table as she began hyperventilating. Everyone looked worried at her and Rossi placed his hand on her back.

"Emily, are you okay?" he asked.

"I can't breathe," she gasped and stood up. The quick movement made Emily dizzy and small black dots covered her vision. Hotch caught her just before she hit the floor and he gently laid her down on it. JJ placed her jacket under Emily's head and Rossi took her pulse.

"Shall I call an ambulance?" Reid asked.

"No, I don't think that will be necessary," Hotch said. "Her breathing is back to normal, so she will probably wake up anytime now."

And she did.

Emily slowly opened her eyes and looked up at the five faces that were looking down at her.

"What happened?" She asked and tried to get up.

"Don't," Hotch said and pushed her gently down again.

"Fine," Emily sighed. "Again, what happened?"

"You had a panic attack," Reid answered.

_This is so embarrassing, _thought Emily and covered her face with her hands.

"Are you okay now?" JJ asked.

Without removing her hands from her face Emily nodded. "Yeah I'm fine."

"Good," Hotch said and turned to look at the others. "The plane leaves in 30 minutes."

They got up from the floor and left to get their things.

Hotch stayed with Emily. "How are you feeling?"

"Embarrassed!"

"There is nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Nothing to be embarrassed about?" Emily removed her hands and looked directly at Hotch. "Not only did I have a panic attack, but I also fainted." She closed her eyes again and sighed.

"I think it would be best if you didn't come with us on the case," Hotch said.

"Yeah I think so, too."

He helped her up from the floor and gave her a bottle of water. "Drink this and then take the rest of the day off."

"Sure," Emily said with a bit of sadness in her voice, but then she smile.

"What is it?" Hotch looked curious at her.

"If I don't have to work, then I have time to go visit Maddy."

"That's good, but you do know that you still haven't told me who Maddy is, right?"

"I haven't?"

"No."

"Then I promise I will tell you all about her when you come back." Emily smiled and placed a quick kiss on his lips. "Now go catch the bad guy."

Hotch said good bye and left her in the conference room. As soon as he closed the door behind him the smile on Emily's face disappeared. She sat down in one of the chairs and curled in to a bold. It was hard pretending to be glad, but Emily knew that Hotch would not had left if she had not pretended she was okay, that anything was fine, but they were not.

Emily took a razor from her pocket and pulled her left sleeve up. She had not cut in over two weeks and she was proud of that, but she needed to cut now. She needed to feel nothing and be in control.

Emily closed her eyes as she let the blade run across her arm.

_

* * *

_

"When I stopped cutting it was only because I could afford to, because the need for it had apparently run its natural course, like the fever the body mounts to fight off infection that subsides when the danger is past."


	12. Happy again?

Run away little girl!

* * *

Emily went to see Maddy as she had told Hotch she would. She parked her car in front of a big, white house. It looked like the one Emily herself had lived in. A big house with ten times the amount of rooms that were necessary and an oversized garden. Emily got out of the car and walked up to the house. Maddy had been discharged from the hospital and was now living with her parents. Emily had talked to her on the phone every day since she came home, but had not been to see her before today. She went up to the door and rang the bell. A moment later an elderly woman opened it.

"How may I help you Miss?" she asked.

"I'm Emily Prentiss. I'm here to see Maddy," Emily answered.

"Please come in, Miss Prentiss." The woman opened the door fully and walked to the stairs. Emily stepped inside and closed the door behind her.

"Madeline Michelle, someone is here to see you," The woman yelled.

"Mrs. Jacobs, tell them to go away," Maddy yelled back.

Mrs. Jacobs turned to Emily and said, "I'm sorry, but I think it is best if you leave. As you can hear, she just wants to be left alone."

"I think she would like to see me." Emily walked a couple steps up the stairs and called for Maddy, "Maddy, it's me, Emily."

A few seconds later Maddy's face appeared over the hall railing. "Hi Emmy," she said and smiled. "I will be down in five minutes." Maddy ran back to her room and to get dressed.

Mrs. Jacobs looked shocked at Emily and whispered to her, "She's smiling."

Emily was a bit confused by the statement and just answered, "Yes she is."

"She normally doesn't smile. Her parents can't even get her to come out of her room."

"Oh." Emily looked around. "Where are her parents now?"

"Mrs. Moon is at work and Mr. Moon is on a business trip in France."

"I told you that they were never home," Maddy said as she walked down the stairs. She was dressed in dark, blue jeans and a baby blue top with a white cardigan on top of it. She was still wearing a bandage on her left wrist. It was almost covered up by the cardigan, but Emily could still see it through the white fabric.

"Yeah you did," Emily said and smiled. "So, what do you want to do?"

"I don't care. I just want to go outside."

"Then let's go."

They walked to the front door, but were stopped by Mrs. Jacobs. "I'm sorry, but I can't allow that."

"Why not?" Emily asked.

Maddy rolled her eyes and said with a small laugh, "Because they think I'm going to jump of a bridge or something like that if I go outside."

"Madeline Michelle, that is not even funny and you know your mother just wants what is best for you," Mrs. Jacobs said and folded her arms across her chest. "You are not going any were."

"Come on, Mrs. Jacobs! Emmy is a F.B.I. agent. She will make sure I don't kill myself while we are away," Maddy said and made 'poppy dog' eyes at Mrs. Jacobs.

"But your mother said…"

"Mother is not here and we will make sure to be home before she is."

Mrs. Jacob sighed, "Okay. Fine, go!"

"Thank you," Maddy smiled and hugged Mrs. Jacobs and then she and Emily left.

Maddy had decided that they should go to the playground, because she was in the mood for some swinging and Emily had just laughed. It was only a ten minutes walk from the house so they decided just leave the car by the house and walk.

Emily was sitting on a bench looking at Maddy who was swinging back and forth on the swing.

"Why are not at work today?" Maddy asked.

"The others left for a case, and Hotch and I decided that it would be best if I stayed home."

"Cruel case?"

"Yeah, and I had a panic attack doing the briefing. So…"

"So, staying at home seemed like the best idea."

"Yes, and then I will be ready for the next case."

"You are very optimistic today. Oh and by the way, thank you for the support back at the house with Mrs. Jacobs. You were a really big help," Maddy said sarcastic and stopped the swing.

"It was not in my right to do anything."

"And she could have charged you with kidnapping."

"Not really. You are 19 and left with me voluntary," Emily said with a small smile.

"That's your side of the story," Maddy said with a grin, "And I have a nanny, so even if I'm 19 I don't think it really counts."

"Mrs. Jacobs is your nanny?" Emily asked.

"You already know she is, so why are you asking?" Maddy got off the swing and sat down on the bench next to Emily. Emily didn't answer her question, but instead asked Maddy, "Why do you cut yourself?"

"I hate it when people ask me that question and I never actually told you that I cut," Maddy said. "You only know about my suicide attempts."

"I'm sorry I just assumed…"

"I didn't say you were wrong."

"Okay, but then why do you hate that question?"

"Because people don't understand."

"I think I wound understand it, don't you?"

Maddy looked up at Emily and then laid her head on her shoulder. "It makes the pain inside me go away, so that I don't have to think about it."

"It? Maggie's murder?" Emily asked.

"That and other things."

"Would you like to tell me about it?"

Maddy closed her eyes and sighed. "Not today."

/

They sat in silence for almost an hour before they were interrupted by the ringing of Emily's cell phone. Maddy lifted her head from her shoulder and Emily grabbed her phone from her pocket.

"Prentiss."

"Hi, it's me."

"Hey Hotch, what's up?" Emily asked and smiled big as Maddy looked at her curiously.

"I just wanted to hear how you are doing?"

"I'm fine."

"That's good."

"Yeah. Umm… how is the case going? You got any leads?"

"We are still on the jet." Hotch said and looked around at the others. JJ was sleeping, Reid was in his own world as he sat reading a book, Morgan was listing to music on his iPod and reading through the case file and so was Rossi.

"Oh yeah, of course," Emily said shaking her head. "Sorry."

Hotch smiled little. "So, what are you doing?"

She looked at Maddy. "I'm at the playground with Maddy."

"The playground? How old is Maddy?" Hotch asked.

"She is 19, but she was in the mood for a little swinging," Emily answered with a small laugh.

"Hey! You two are talking about me!" Maddy said and tried to sound offended.

Hotch could hear both of them laughing and could not help but smile. "I better go now and let you get back to your swinging."

"Yes, I will talk to you later. Bye."

"Bye." Hotch hung up the phone and then he noticed Rossi was looking at him. "What?"

"Nothing," Rossi said and started reading again. "But the next time you talk to Emily, please tell her I said hello."

Hotch blushed slightly. _Of course Dave knew it was Emily on the phone, he wasn't a profiler for nothing,_ Hotch thought and turned back to the case file.

* * *

"_I wish I could stay this happy forever._

_I fell like dancing,_

_Like singing,_

_Like laughing."_


	13. Smiling

Run away little girl!

* * *

Emily sat staring at the clock. She had been doing nothing but paperwork for three days, and she was almost afraid that she was going to die from boredom. She folded her arms on the desk and laid her head down on top of them.

"Are you okay?"

Emily lifted her head and saw Garcia standing in front of her. She looked worried. Emily sighed, "Yes I'm fine. I'm just SO bored!"

"You want to go out and get some lunch?"

Emily looked at the clock again. "I don't have time. I have a meeting in an hour. Sorry Pen."

"That's okay," Garcia said and smiled. "What meeting?"

"Umm… it's at the hospital," Emily said and looked down a bit ashamed.

Garcia laid a hand on her shoulder and smiled. "If you want to talk about it I'm right here. Day or night."

Emily got up and hugged Garcia. "Thank you," she whispered in her ear.

"Any time sweetie."

Emily smiled and gathered her things. "I have to go."

/

At that moment Emily decided that she did not like "group". Talking to other people about her problems was just not a thing she could do. She would listen to the others talk, and if she was asked a question she would answer as good as she was capable of, without over stepping her own boundaries.

The girl next to Emily was telling about how she was doing, but Emily didn't really listen to what she was saying. She was to focus on her on thoughts. Maddy was not here. She had promised she would come if Emily did, but she was not here.

As soon as Dr. Hall ended the meeting, Emily was up and out of the room. She quickly walked out to her car and got in. She pulled her cell phone out of her bag and called Maddy.

"Hello?"

"You stood me up."

"Oh," Maddy sighed. "I'm sorry, Emmy."

"Are you going to tell me why you didn't come?"

"Not over the phone."

"How about I come pick you up and then you will come back to work with me?"

"Okay, that sounds cool."

/

On the way to the hospital Emily had got a call from Hotch saying that they had closed the case and was now on their way back. She had been smiling and talking about it all the way back to the office, and it was not until they sat down at her desk that she noticed that Maddy had not said a word. Emily stroked her hair and asked "What's wrong?"

"To be honest, I don't really know."

Emily moved her chair closer to Maddy's and put an arm around her. "Are you sure you don't know that is wrong? You sounded fine then I talked to you on the phone yesterday. Did something happen last night?"

Maddy laid her head into Emily's side and sighed, "My parents had a fight."

"What about?"

"Me."

"You?"

"Yeah, my dad wants me to go back to school next week when it starts up again, but my mother thinks it's best if I take the year off, so I will be able to get a break from everything."

"What do you want?"

"I want to be left alone. I want to make my own decisions and I want my parents to stop fighting."

Emily felt a tear on her collar bone and heard Maddy sniffle. She tightened her hold on Maddy and stroked her check.

"I don't know that to do." Maddy sniffled again.

"You need to find out what _you_ want and do that instead of what our parents want you to. You have to listen to your heart."

"If I do that, then will you admit to yourself that you are in love with that Hotch guy?" Maddy asked with a small laugh.

"Maybe," Emily said. "How did you know?"

"Oh come on!" Maddy sat up straight and wiped the tears of her checks. "I may not be a profiler, but I can tell when someone is in love. And by the way, you talk about him all the time and you keep smiling when you do."

"How can you tell I'm smiling? We talk on the phone."

"I can hear it in your voice," Maddy laughed. Emily just rolled her eyes and smiled.

"What are you two laughing about?" Garcia asked.

"Nothing," Emily quickly said as she and Maddy turned to look at Garcia. "This is Madeline," Emily said and nodded her head towards Maddy.

"Just Maddy," Maddy said smiling.

Garcia returned the smile and said, "I'm…"

"You're Technical Analyst Penelope Garcia, but you prefer to just being call Garcia."

"She sounds like you, baby girl," Morgan laughed as he and the others walked through the glass doors. They all gather around Emily's desk and looked at the unfamiliar girl sitting next to Emily. She actually looked a bit like Emily, both in appearance and the way she was dressed. Emily was wearing black dress pants, a light green V-necked shirt and black high hilled boots. Maddy was wearing black jeans, a light green blouse with and loose dark green T-shirt on top of it and black ballerina shoes. And both of them wore their black hair in a loose ponytail.

Emily shocked her head. "No she usually sounds more like Reid."

"Me? How's that?" Reid asked confused.

"Maddy," Emily nodded her head towards Maddy.

"Did you know that the average person spends 10 years of their life working? Well, in your case I think it's a lot more."

"Yeah, she sounds like you, Reid," Rossi said as Morgan elbowed Reid.

"Oh how rude of me," Maddy said and got up. "I'm Madeline Michelle Moon." She shocked hands with everyone, "But please just call me Maddy. Only my parents and my nanny call me Madeline."

"Nanny? How old are you?" Morgan asked.

"I'm 19 and the nanny thing is a long story." Maddy said and sat back down with her back to all of them. The others took that as a clue to that Maddy was not in the mood for talking with them anymore.

_

* * *

_

Remember to smile!

* * *

While the others worked on their paperwork, Maddy sat by an empty desk reading a book and listing to music on her iPod. Emily tapped her on the shoulder and she put the music on mute. "I'm done with my paperwork so I will just go say goodbye to Hotch and then we will leave, okay."

"Okay." Emily walked up to Hotch's office and Maddy packed away her iPod, but continued the reading.

Reid walked over to her and asked, "What are you reading?"

"Oh, it's call 'authentic crime cases'. It's about Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, The Boston Strangler and others," Maddy said as she looked up at Reid.

They both turn to look at Morgan then they heard him laughing, "Just how much time have you been spending with Emily?"

"This has actually nothing to do with Emmy. I have been reading books about serial killers and things like that since I was 12," Maddy said with a big smile on her lips.

/

Hotch was taking on phone, so in the meanwhile Emily stood looking out through the blinds in Hotch office. She saw how Maddy was laughing and talking with Morgan and Reid. It made her smile.

Hotch got off the phone and walked up behind Emily. He closed the blinds and wrapped his arms around her and kissed her neck. "You are smiling."

With a small laugh Emily said, "That's because you are back and because Maddy is smiling."

"Why shouldn't she be smiling?"

Emily turned around in his arms and put her hands on his chest and looked up at him. "Her life has been a lot like mine. She moved around all the time and her parents work a lot. Her dad actually worked with my mother. That is how I know her."

Hotch stroked her check. "What more?"

"When she was 11 her younger sister, Maggie, was murdered, and the police think that she witness it."

"Have you talked with her about it?"

"Only a little, but I'm really worried about her, Aaron."

The use of his first name made him smile. "Emily, you have to stop worrying about her and start worrying about you. That is if you want to get better," Hotch said and nodded towards the small cut on her left wrist. Her sleeve had slid down a bit and made the cut visible.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me; you should be apologizing to yourself."

"Yeah I know."

"Is it okay if I come by your place when I'm done here," Hotch asked and quickly kissed her lips.

"Of course," Emily said smiling big as walked to the door.

"One more thing."

"Yes?"

"I love it when you smile."

* * *

"_Suddenly, from the darkness shines a ray of light._

_Tiny and barely visible at first._

_With a few sparks the darkness lifts._

_I can see the sun again, I can smile."_


	14. How it hurts

Run away little girl!

* * *

Maddy stood in the driveway waving goodbye to Emily as she watched her drive away. When her car was out of sight Maddy walked into the house. She dropped her bag by the door and walked to her dad's study. She could hear voices coming from inside the room. Her parents were fighting again.

"Why can't you see it?" Ann asked her husband.

"See what?" Patrick asked annoyed.

"That Madeline needs time to deal with Maggie's death."

"Maggie has been dead for eight years. How much more time dose she need?"

"A lot more!"

"But she is going back to school next week."

"Why?"

"You are asking me why? Don't you know have embarrassing it would be to me, if people found out my daughter was taking time off from school, because she had tried to kill herself, for the fourth time!"

Ann sighed.

Maddy climbed the stairs and walked to her room. She went to the bathroom where she turned on the lights and locked the door. She walked up to the mirror and stared at her reflection.

* * *

"_Life is like a boat in the bottle,_

_Try to sail, you can't with no air._

_Day by day it only gets harder,_

_Try to scream but nobody cares."_

* * *

Maddy grabbed the sink with both hands so hard her knuckles turned white as she started to cry. Tears ran down her cheeks and her body began to shake as she was fighting to breathe normally.

"This is all my fault. I'm just an embarrassing to them."

Maddy felled to her knees on the floor screaming. She quickly grabbed a towel and bit down on it as hard as she could, so no one would hear her. Maddy could hear the faint sounds of her parents' voices, and they were still fighting. She folded her arms around herself trying to hold it together.

She rocked back and forth while trying to clam herself, "Ssh, everything will be fine. They will stop fighting and tomorrow I'm going out with Emmy. That will be fun. I just have to get it together and smile."

Maddy started crying again. "Yeah right! Like I can do that!" she said through silent sobs.

* * *

"_Through the glass you see the same faces,_

_Hear the voices fade like a drone._

_When your life's a boat in a bottle,_

_You're surrounded, drifting alone."_

* * *

Maddy quickly snapped out of it when she heard knocking on the door. "Maddy, are you in there?"

"Yes."

"Dinner is ready."

"Okay mom, I will be down in just a second." She got up from the floor and washed her face and tried to erase all evidence of her crying form her face. Maddy looked at herself in the mirror. She tried to smile, but it didn't reach her eyes, but then when was the last time it did. She looked just like herself. The same old Madeline with all the fake happiness painted on her face.

"Madeline!" Her dad yelled.

"I'm coming." She quickly ran down to them and took a seat by the dinner table. Her parents sat on one side and Maddy at the other as they ate in silence.

"When did you come home?" Ann asked.

"Oh, just 10 minutes ago," Maddy said.

"You didn't say 'Hi' to us."

_Just make something up and smile,_ Maddy thought. "I'm sorry mom," she said with a small laugh, "I just really had to pee, so I…"

"Where have you been?" Patrick asked without even looking at Maddy.

"Just out," she answered and tried to smile.

"With a boy? Is that why you have been smiling so much lately?"

"No dad."

"If you _can_ have a boyfriend, then you _can_ also go back to school!"

"I don't have a boyfriend," Maddy said and walked away from the table, but stopped in the doorway and turned to her parents. "And I'm sorry daddy, but I'm not going back to school next week, even if you will see me as an embarrassment." With that Maddy grabbed her coat and cell phone and left the house.

/

Hotch and Emily were making out like two teenagers on the couch in Emily's apartment. Hotch on top of Emily and their hands were more or less everywhere on each other's body. They had been going on like that most of the night and they weren't planning on stopping anytime soon.

"Emily?" Hotch asked against her lips.

"Yes Aaron?" Emily moved away a bit from under him and smiled. He quickly kissed her again and brushed some strands of hair away from her face. Emily laughed, "What did you want to tell me?"

"Haley is dropping Jack of at my place tomorrow."

"Yes?" Emily asked only hoping he was going to said that she thought he would say.

"And I would really like you to meet him."

"I would love that," Emily said as her smile grew bigger.

"So if you come by my place tomorrow at around 10, then we can…"

"No wait. Tomorrow?"

"Yes."

Emily sighed, "I'm going out shopping with Maddy tomorrow."

Hotch kissed her lips and said smiling, "Then what if Jack and I come by your place for dinner tomorrow night?"

"That sounds good." Emily laughed.

/

Maddy sighed and looked at her watch. 10:48 p.m. She had been sitting on a bench outside of Emily's apartment for almost three hours. She had wanted to talk to Emily, but she wasn't home, so she had decided to just wait outside for her, but when Emily came home Hotch was with her and he hadn't left yet. Maddy gave up the idea of talking to Emily and decided to leave then she felt the first rain drops hit her face. Maddy got up from the bench and pulled her red coat tighter around her body as she started to walked home. She did not really want to go home, but she had nowhere else to go.

Maddy felt the tears burning in her eyes as she walked through the front door and noticed that there were not any lights on in the hallway or any other room in the house. Her parents knew she hated being in the house or any other house for that matter without any lights on. She was terrified of the dark and the things what could be hiding in it. Did her parents not expect her to come home? Maddy shock her head walked up to her bedroom where she changed into a pair of PJ pants and a long sleeved shirt and got into bed.

/

Emily laid in her bed alone thinking. She was thinking about Hotch and Jack, about tomorrow, about Maddy. Emily hoped she was okay, but she had this nagging feeling in her chest that something was not right. It was the same feeling she had had earlier then Maddy hadn't showed up at the hospital. She rolled on her side and looked at the alarm clock on her bedside table. 12:07 a.m. It was too late to call and tomorrow was Saturday anyway. She was going to see Maddy there. _I'm probably just overreacting,_ Emily thought and got to sleep, but the nagging feel didn't disappear.

/

Maddy let the tears fall, but quickly brushed them away. She sighed. She needed to be happy. She needed to smile, but it was just so hard when all she really wanted to do was die.

* * *

"_I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill something on the inside."_


	15. Small kisses

Run away little girl!

* * *

Emily rang the bell on the Moon family's house. She expected Mrs. Jacobs to be the one who would answer the door, but instead the door as answered by Ann Moon. Her blond hair was combed back in a high ponytail; she was wearing a black suit and a bit too much make-up for Emily's like. But she noticed that she had the same blue eyes as Maddy and that made her smile.

Ann looked curious at Emily and tried to remember where she knew the woman from, but then she couldn't so she asked, "What can I do for you?"

"I'm just here to pick Maddy up for our shopping trip."

"What?" Ann asked confused just as Maddy walked up behind her.

"I'm going shopping with Emmy today. Didn't I tell you?" Maddy asked and walked around her mother to stand beside Emily.

"No you didn't and who are you again?" Ann looked at Emily.

Emily smiled, "I guess you don't recognize me. I'm Emily Prentiss. Your husband worked with my mother, Elizabeth Prentiss, some years ago."

"Yeah that's right. How have you been?"

"Good."

"How did you and Madeline meet?"

Emily looked a bit awkward at Maddy who said, "Mom can't we talk about it when I get home we have to get going now?"

"Sure, but your dad and I probably won't be home. We are going to a dinner party at the Graham's, so we won't be home till late, but Mrs. Jacobs will be here."

"Okay mother," Maddy said and forced a smile. She kissed her goodbye on the check and then she and Emily left.

/

At 1:30 p.m. Emily and Maddy put their shopping trip on a hold so they could get something to eat. They found a table in a little café called Valentino and ordered a sandwich and soda each.

"You seem very happy today," Maddy said and looked curiously at Emily.

Emily smiled and said, "I am happy," but then she looked at Maddy a bit saddened.

"You know, being happy is a good thing," Maddy said with a laugh.

"You are not happy."

"I'm smiling."

"Smiling doesn't mean that you are happy."

"Don't look at me like that, Emily!" Maddy said and crossed her arms over her chest. "I know I am not happy. I can't even remember the last time I was."

"Was it when Maggie was still alive?"

"Emmy, stop it. We were supposed to have fun, not talk about my dead sister," Maddy said with an obvious fake laugh.

Emily sighed, "Right."

/

The shopping trip had ended after their stop at the café. Both of them had lost urge to shop so Emily had suggested that they go back to her apartment and watch a movie. At first Maddy had said no, but Emily kept insisting on her staying, so she did and they ended up watching 'A Perfect Day'.

"That was a good movie," Emily said looking down at Maddy, who was lying with her head on Emily legs.

"It was and the little girl was cute."

Emily ran her fingers through Maddy's hair. "I liked the mother."

"Of course you did," Maddy laughed and looked at the watch on the DVD player. "I better go." She got up from the couch and walked to the front door.

"I will drive you."

"No that's okay. I will just take the bus," Maddy said and put on her coat.

"Don't be silly, I will drive you." Emily turned to find her jacket, but Maddy grabbed her arm and said determined, "Emily. No! Aaron and Jack will be here any minute."

"But…"

"Its fine, I'm fine. I'm just going to take the bus."

Emily sighed, "Okay."

"Good." Maddy smiled and hugged Emily.

"Bye," Emily waved, "Call me when you get home."

"Sure," Maddy called over her shoulder as she walked down the hall to the elevator and drove down. When she got out of the elevator she walked directly into Hotch. "Oh I'm sorry agent oHpoHotchner. I wasn't looking."

"That's okay.

"I should have been more careful, I'm sorry Sr."

"Maddy, its fine, nothing happened," Hotch assured her.

Maddy gave Hotch a half smile and then looked from him down to Jack. His was standing next to Hotch with his hand in Hotch's. She knelt in front of him. "Hi, you must be Jack. I'm Madeline, but you can call me Maddy," she said smiling big.

Jack shyly hid behind his dad's legs and whispered, "Hi Maddy."

Maddy ruffled his hair and got up. "The bus will be here any minute, so you two go have fun with Emily."

Hotch was just about to open his mouth and asked if she wanted him to drive her home, then Maddy said, "I will fine. I'm 19, which means that I'm old enough to take the bus home on my own."

"You have already had this conversation with Emily, haven't you?" Hotch said with a small smile.

"Yeah, five minutes ago," Maddy said, "but I really have to go now. Bye."

"Bye Maddy," Hotch said and he and Jack walked into the elevator. Just as the doors were about to close Jack yelled, "Goodbye Maddy!" and waved at her and she waved back.

/

Emily and Hotch was sitting at her kitchen table talking in a low voice, so they would not wake Jack. He had fallen asleep in the middle of 'Toy Story' and was now lying on the couch sleeping.

Emily looked nervously at Hotch and said, "It seemed like Jack had fun."

"He did and he likes you."

Emily smiled. "He does?"

"Yes he does." Hotch leaned forward and kissed her. "And he must like you very much, because he let you sit beside him on the couch."

Emily looked confused.

"Jack has this thing right now that he won't let anybody other then Haley and I sit next to him. He sometimes let's Chloe, his babysitter, do it, but other than that…" He shrugged his shoulders.

Emily got up from her chair and sat down on Hotch's lap sideways. She laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. "I'm glad he likes me." Hotch wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

They just sat there in silence for some time, but then Hotch remember something. When he and Jack had helped Emily with the dishes, Jack had accidently stumbled into Emily and hit her left arm. Jack had hardly touched her, but Emily had quickly pulled her arm back and hugged it to her chest and pain had been shown all over her face and he had pretended not to notice it. Now he slowly let his hand run down the inside of her left forearm. He felt her body tense more and more, but did not stop touching her.

Emily's eyes shout open then she felt Hotch's fingers on the bottom of her sleeve and then he was about to pull the sleeve up she half begging said, "Please don't."

"I want to see it."

"No."

"Please."

"No, I'm not ready for you to see it," Emily sniffled and dragged her sleeve as far down as she could.

Hotch hugged her and said, "Emily look at me." She moved her head of his shoulder and looked at him. "When was the last time you cut?"

She looked down in embarrassment and said, "Tuesday, last week. The day you went out on the case."

"So, nine days ago?"

She nodded.

"But your arm still hurts. Are you sure something isn't wrong? Maybe it's gotten infected," Hotch said worried.

Emily sighed and answered with a sniffled, "Nothing's wrong with it. It's just a little dripper when some of the others have been." She wiped a couple tears off her cheek. Hotch took her left hand in his and started to pull the sleeve back slowly. "Aaron, don't," Emily said with a small whisper, but then he closed his eyes and pulled the sleeve fully up her arm. He leant his head down to her arm and placed small kisses on it. Again and again.

* * *

_"It doesn't matter if you have all the people in the world to talk to, you still have to find strength to say in words, what you would normally say on skin."_


	16. Dinner

Run away little girl!

* * *

"Oh, she is here!" Garcia squealed loudly as Emily walked through the front door to Garcia's apartment. JJ covered her ears and sent Emily an apologizing smile as Garcia ran up and hugged her.

"Pen, I can't breathe," Emily said patting Garcia's bag willing her to let go.

JJ and Garcia had noticed that Emily had started to smile more and that she even seemed happy lately, but when they questioned her about it, she would not tell them anything. So now they and planed a girls' night in with dinner and movies, so that Emily could not run from their questions. Emily herself was very suspicious of their ulterior motive behind the dinner, but she really wanted to just have a cozy night with her two best friends.

JJ gave Emily a hug and then said, "Come on, let's go eat."

Emily looked around Garcia living room and saw what everything stood ready on the dining table. "You have already cooked dinner?" She half asked looking surprised at them.

"Em, it's almost 7, of course we have cooked dinner," JJ said with wicked grin.

Looking suspiciously back and front between the two Emily asked, "But then what do I have to do?"

Garcia walked behind Emily and put her hands on her shoulders, "Oh you will just have to answer a few question for us," she said as she guiding Emily to table.

"I knew something was up then JJ asked me if I wanted to have dinner with the two of you," Emily said sitting down, "I should just had said no." JJ sat down next to Emily and Garcia sat on the other side of the table.

"Ouch! That actually hurt. You don't want to spend time with us?" Garcia asked and cocked her head.

Emily sighed, "Of course I want to spend time with you, but just not when you are like this."

JJ grinned, "So who is he?"

Emily blushed as a big smile appeared on her face and she had to look down.

"Is it someone we have met?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure, because I can't remember meeting any new guys with you for months?" Garcia asked.

Emily giggled, "Oh yeah, I'm positive what you have met him, and he is not some new guy. I have known him for about a year and a half."

"So, tell us about him!" JJ requested.

"Is he hot?" Garcia asked anxious.

"Well I think he is very handsome."

"Okay he is handsome, but what does he look like?" Garcia asked again.

"He has dark hair, brown eyes and dimples," Emily said smiling.

"What else can you tell about him?" JJ asked wanting to know everything about Emily's mystery man.

"He works a lot, so he doesn't really have that much time to see his son."

"Aw, he has a son? How old is he?"

"He will be three in November." Emily smiled even more.

"Hold on! Dark hair, brown eyes, dimples, a son and you have known him for a year and a half? You wouldn't by any chance be dating Hotch, would you?"

Garcia coughed trying not to get choke in the piece of food she had just put in her mouth. "Excuse me, can one of you please repeat that?" she said looking back and front between them, but stopped at Emily, who was burying her very red face in her hands.

JJ leaned forward and said, "She is dating Hotch."

"Oh my God, I can hardly believe it!"

"Yeah, finally."

"What do you mean?" Emily said looking at JJ.

"Well Em, you and Hotch have been the only ones in the BAU who didn't know that you to were in love with each other."

Emily gaped and looked over at Garcia, who just nodded her head. "How did you…?"

Garcia smiled. "Oh Emily, you are so blind sometimes."

/

After dinner the girls moved over to that couch to watch a few movies, but because the couch was not the biggest in the world there was not room for all three of the girls to be sitting on it. So it ended up with Emily and Garcia sitting on the couch and JJ lying with her head in Emily's lap and her legs over Garcia's. It was not completely comfortable for JJ to lie there, because every time Emily and Garcia laugh JJ's entire body would jump up and down. And if that was not enough, they had to pause the movie every half hour because one of them had to pee or their phone rang, but at least they had not been called out on a case.

"I have to pee."

"No Pen!" JJ moaned.

"Sorry sweetie, but I really have to. Now please remove your legs, so I can go pee."

JJ pulled her legs back to let Garcia out. After Garcia had locked the door to the bathroom, JJ turned to Emily and asked, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm good," Emily said smiling down at JJ.

"You are not just saying that to make me happy, are you."

"No, I am really starting to feel better. Aaron is really helping me."

JJ laughed.

"What?"

"You just called Hotch for Aaron."

Emily blushed. "Well that's his name."

"I know it just seems weird to hear you call him that."

Emily laughed and ran her hand through her hair, but unfortunately her sleeve slid up and JJ catch a glimpse of Emily's scar covered wrist. JJ quickly sat up and grabbed Emily's hand before she could pull it back. "Can I see it?"

"No."

"Please?" JJ asked and looked Emily in the eyes.

Emily noticed that JJ eyes had started to water up and that she was trying very hard not to cry. Emily sighed, "Okay."

JJ pulled the sleeve on Emily left arm back and the moment she saw the scars and half healed cuts, she let her tears fall. She could not hold them back any longer. "I'm so sorry I didn't notice anything, Em. I'm so, so sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"But I should have noticed that you weren't happy," JJ sniffed.

"Hey, it's okay." Emily leaned forward and hugged JJ tightly as she felt tears running down her own cheeks. A moment later Garcia walked back in; she could hear JJ crying and was just about to ask what happened, when she noticed Emily's bare arm wrapped around JJ and then she knew why. Instead of saying anything she just walked over to them and wrapped her arms around both of them. This was not the fun night they had planned, but it was just what they needed.

* * *

"_We couldn't imagine the emptiness of a creature that put a razor to her wrists and opened her veins. The emptiness and the calm."_


	17. Midnight Swinging

Run away little girl!

* * *

Emily threw her bag in the corner as she closed the front door. She slowly walked over to the couch and shank down on it. She was so tired. Dinner with JJ and Garcia had been great, but also very emotional tiring. It was all most midnight but she did not wanted to go to bed just yet. She may have been tired, but she was not in the mood for sleeping. She wanted to do something and she actually also felt talking about how she was, without feeling the need to lie about it. Emily pulled her phone out of her pocket and pressed spied dialed 9.

It rang 5 times before it was answered and a sleepy voice said, "Hello?"

"It's me."

"Emmy, is everything alright?" Maddy said as she turned on her bedside lamp and rubbed her eyes.

"Yes, everything is just fine. But I was thinking do you want to go swinging?"

"What?" Maddy looked at her alarm clock. "Emmy, it is 11:54 _at night_!"

"So what, I want to go swinging," Emily said with a small laugh. "Are you in or not?"

"Sure."

"Good, I will see you in 15 minutes."

"Okay, bye."

Hanging up the phone Emily jumped of the couch and walked over and grabbed her bag. She threw her phone and keys in it and left the apartment.

Ten minutes later Emily pulled up in front of the Moon family's house where Maddy was sitting and waiting for her on the front steps. She looked at her through the side window and she could not help but think how small Maddy looked. If Emily had not known that the girl was nineteen years old, then she would only have guessed her to be around fifteen or younger. Maddy was dressed in what looked like pink PJ pants, the red coat that she usually wore and her hair hang loose around her face. She looked tired and small, like a little lost girl.

Emily got out of the car and walked towards Maddy just as she began to yawn. "You're tired?"

"Of course I'm tired. It's after midnight and you have dragged me out of bed," Maddy said and tilted her head to the side.

"I know, I'm sorry I just I really needed to talk to someone."

"Fine," Maddy said rolling her eyes as she got up from the steps. "So are we going to the playground for some swinging?"

"Yes, that is exactly what we are going to do," Emily said smiling and grabbed Maddy's hand and gave her a half hug. "I'm sorry to wake you up."

"Yeah," Maddy nodded and they began to walk arm in arm towards the playground they had been to some weeks earlier.

/

For some time Emily and Maddy just swung back and forth in silence. Maddy knew that Emily wanted to say something, so she kept her mouth shut till Emily was ready to tell her what was on her mind. But as time went on and Emily still had not said anything, Maddy jumped of her swing and sat down cross legged in the sand in front of Emily.

"What the hell are you doing?" Emily asked quickly stopping her swing so she would not hit Maddy.

"You were the one who wanted to talk, but you aren't saying anything." She put her hands on her hips and wrinkled her nose.

"Don't look at me like that, Maddy."

"You are hurting, you need to talk about it and you wanted to talk about it."

Emily sighed and looked down.

"Did dinner go that bad?"

Looking up again Emily said "No, dinner went really well. I had a lot of fun with JJ and Garcia, but afterwards JJ and I talked a little about _things_ and she blames herself. And then it end up with all of us crying."

"Sometime you just need to cry."

"But I don't want to cry anymore." Emily walked over to Maddy and laid down in stand next to her. A shiver went through her body as the lower part of her back hit the cold stand. "I want to be able to talk about these things without making people cry."

"That's way you called me tonight, isn't it?"

Emily nodded, "Yes it is. I knew if I told JJ and Pen about how things really are with me, then they would just blame themselves and if I called Aaron in the middle of the night he would just become really worried."

"That is just because he loves you," Maddy said and looked down at Emily. Even in the dark Maddy could see her blushing. Emily looked up at Maddy. "You are not smiling. You always smiled then you were little."

Maddy looked at the sky. "Sometimes when I smile I get this feeling in my chest. It's like… like my heart is going to break into pieces if I don't hold my arms really tight around my chest. That's way I don't smile."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." Maddy got up and got back up on the swing. "Do you remember then I broke my arm?"

"You fall off the swing at school and they couldn't get a hold of your parents so they called me. I remember sitting with you on my lap and you kept crying and I couldn't get you to stop."

"I cried for like an hour or something."

"I thought it was because your arm hurt, but then it turned out it was just because they have given you a pink cast on your arm, and you wanted a green one." Emily sighed with a sad smile. "It was three months before you moved."

Maddy got of the swing again and lay down on her back next to Emily. "It's funny, I didn't remember this till I met you are again. In my memory of how I broke my arm, it was my mother who took me to the hospital. It was mother who sang 'Twinkle twinkle little star' for me then I couldn't fall asleep because my arm hurt, but in reality it was you. It was you who did all these things for me, not my mother. She never did anything like that for me. She was always too busy with work." Maddy took a deep breath. "I blocked you out of my memories after we moved. I didn't even remember who you were till I saw a picture of you and your mother in the newspaper the day Maggie was murdered. I forgot you just like you forgot me."

Emily turned to look at Maddy and asked, "What happened that night?"

"I almost can't separate the lie from the truth anymore."

"What lie?"

Maddy ignored the question. "People think I started cutting because of what happened to Maggie, but I was eleven then she died and I didn't start cutting till I was fourteen. I couldn't take it anymore. All the lies and hurt. I didn't want to feel, and when I cut it was like all my feelings want away and I just became numb." Maddy started to cry, "But I never really became numb enough and that's then I tried to kill myself the first time." Maddy turned to her side and lay in fetal position in the sand. Emily wrapped her arms around Maddy's upper body and buried her face in her hair and whispered, "It's going to be okay, I promise."

* * *

"_Please save me from myself." _


	18. Fear

Run away little girl!

* * *

Emily shivered and sat up. She was really starting to freeze now and she knew she and Maddy had to head back home, but Maddy had fallen asleep some time ago. Emily did not want to have to wake her, but she also knew that she was not strong enough to carry her home be herself, so if she did not wanted to wake her up then she would had to go back to the house and get the car, but there was no way in hell would she leave Maddy alone at the playground when she was asleep.

Emily sighed as she walked over to the swing set and got her bag she had dropped earlier. She found her phone and hesitated for a moment before she hit speed dial 1.

"Hotchner."

"It's me; I need your help with something."

"Emily, what's wrong?"

She could hear the worry in his voice. "Nothing is wrong I just need you to come and pick me up."

"Where are you?"

She quickly told him where she was and twenty minutes later Emily saw him pull up in front of the playground. She walked towards him and started to apologize, "I'm so sorry for dragging you out of bed, but I just didn't wanted to wake her and I couldn't just-"

Hotch cut her off, "It is okay, Em. I understand." He wrapped his arms around her and she laid her head against his chest. Hotch kissed the top of her head and said, "We better get going before you two get too cold." Emily nodded. They walked over to Maddy and he lifted her up into his arms, like he usually did with Jack, and carried her to the car. They drove to the house where Emily got her car and then they drove separate back to Emily's apartment. Emily knew that Maddy's parents were not home and she did not want to leave her in the big house all alone. Maddy needed her.

Hotch carried Maddy to the guest room at the end of the hall right next to the bathroom. Emily removed the bedspread as Hotch lied her down and then she tucked the blanket tight around her. Emily kissed her forehead and got up and grabbed Hotch's hand and they walked down to the living room. They sat down on the couch and then Hotch turned to look at Emily very serious. "You know that you are not her mother, right?"

Emily sighed, "I know that."

"And she is not a child. She is nineteen."

"I know that too, Aaron, but she has never been a child. When you grow up in a family like ours there is no room for you to be a child. You have to be the perfect daughter no matter what it takes." Emily laid her head on his shoulder. "You just have to trust that I know what I'm doing."

"I do, Emily, I just don't want either of you to get hurt." Hotch looked at his clock. "I should go, it's getting really late," he said and got off the couch.

"You don't have to leave," Emily said walking after him. "You could stay."

He stopped then he reached the front door. "What about Maddy?"

"Aaron, I don't think Maddy would have anything against you staying over. And like you said, she is not a child." She kissed him. "Come on, let's go to bed."

* * *

"_Are you afraid to sleep?_

_Are you scared there's no stability?_

_Are you afraid of your own fragility?"_

* * *

At a quarter to four Hotch snapped awake by a high sound. At first he could not figure out what it was that had woken him so he got out of bed and looked around the room and then he heard it again. Someone was crying. He moved around the bed to Emily's side and knelt in front of her, but she was not crying. For a moment he was confused, but then he remembered: Maddy! Maddy was asleep in the guest room.

Hotch quickly walked down the hall to the guest room and opened the door. There he saw Maddy in the bed twisting and turning and with tears running down her checks. As he got closer to the bed he could her whipping, "Emmy please. Please come help me. Please."

Hotch sat down on the side and lightly shook her shoulder as he said, "Maddy wake up, it's just a dream. Come on Maddy, wake up."

Maddy stopped turning and blinked a few times before she opened her eyes fully and looked up into a dark face. She let out a loud scream and jumped out of the bed and around Hotch with full speed before she sank down in the corner of the room. She pulled her legs to her chest and rocked back and forth breathing heavily.

Then Emily heard the scream she jumped out of bed and ran toward the guest room. There in the dark she found Maddy shacking in the corner and Hotch standing 3 feet away from her trying to calm her down. He moved closer but then she screamed, "Stay away from me! Don't touch me!"

"What happened?" Emily asked Hotch worry as she walked over to him.

"She had a nightmare so I tried to wake her up and then I did she started screaming and now she won't let me come near her," Hotch answered looking confused at Emily, who just nodded.

"Ssh," Emily said walking closer to Maddy. "It's okay Maddy, I wouldn't hurt you." She reached out and put a hand on Maddy's knee, but she moved away from her touch.

Maddy started rocking again and she whispered, "No Maggie, go back to your room. Please go back."

Emily thought for a split second and then she turned to Hotch and said, "Turn on the lights."

Hotch quickly got up and flipped the switch filling the room with light, it was like Maddy snapped out of it. She looked confused back and forth between Hotch and Emily as tears started to run down her cheeks and she asked, "Where am I? What happened?"

"You are at my apartment. You had a nightmare," Emily said wiping the tears of Maddy's cheeks and pulling her into a hug.

That seemed to comfort Maddy and she placed her head on Emily's shoulder and sighed, "I better get back to bed again."

Emily stroked her back. "Yeah, that's a good idea."

Hotch stood watching them from the doorway and could not help to think how good a mother Emily would be when she had kids of her own. He saw how she tucked Maddy in and kissed her forehead like any other mother would do when her child was sad, no matter how old the child was.

* * *

"_It's only fear after all"_


	19. What happened?

Run away little girl!

* * *

Maddy woke quite early the next morning. The sun had just started to rise and was peeking through the window. For a moment, she was confused about where she was and how she had gotten there, but as she walked around the small bedroom she remembered; the nightmare. Maddy shook her head. _God, that was so embarrassing,_ she thought and walked up to the window. She leaned forward and placed her head in her hands and her elbows on the window sill and just looked out the window. The sky was red and orange and absolutely beautiful. She sighed.

"Hey you are up early?"

Maddy jumped as the sudden words filled the room. She turned around and saw Emily watching her from the doorway. She smiled. "You're up early, too."

"Yeah, but I have to go to work and it is all most seven," Emily said as she walked into the room. She grinned when she noticed Maddy's chaotic hair and moved some of it behind her ear. "Nice hair."

Maddy chuckled and rolled her eyes. "Thanks."

Emily smiled and nodded her head toward the door. "Come on, let's go down and get some breakfast."

Maddy nodded. "Sure." And then they walked down to the kitchen to where they saw Hotch making pancakes. Maddy looked from Emily to Hotch and a big smile spread on her face. "Are you making pancakes?" Hotch nodded and could not help but smile when he saw how happy she looked.

Maddy looked back at Emily and with a big grin she said, "If you aren't going to marry him I'll, because no one has ever made me pancakes before."

Emily laughed, "Are you serious? On one has ever made you pancakes before?"

"No, my mother always says that they are not good for me," Maddy said shrugged her shoulders.

"Not good for you?" Hotch asked.

"Too many calories," Maddy said as she pulled out a chair and sat down by the island. Emily walked over to Hotch to help with the food. Maddy looked at them and said, "Why is it you two are up this early? And don't say 'because we have to go to work', because I know you don't have to be there before ten."

Emily and Hotch looked at each other. Neither of them had really been able to sleep after the whole nightmare thing with Maddy. "We couldn't really sleep," Emily said as she placed a plate with pancakes in froth of Maddy and sat down next to her.

"We were worried about you," Hotch said walking up to stand by Emily.

"It was just a nightmare," Maddy said looking at them.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"No I'm fine, Emmy, but I don't have anything to wear. Could I borrow something?" Maddy said changing the subject.

Emily sighed, "Yeah, sure."

"Thanks." Maddy slid down from the chair and walked up the stairs without looking back at Emily and Hotch, but she could feel their glance on her back as she walked away.

/

"Would you mind checking to see if Maddy is ready to go while I grab my things?" Emily asked as she walked around the living room looking for her bag.

"Sure." Hotch walked up the stairs and down the hall to the guestroom. He knocked on the door and opened it, but she was not there, so walked over the bathroom. "Maddy, are you ready to go?" Hotch asked knocking and opening the door.

'Not yet', Maddy was about to say then the door opened. She was only wearing jeans and her bra, so she quickly moved her arms up to cover her chest.

"I'm so sorry," Hotch said embarrassed and was just about to close the door again when he noticed a long scare across her stomach. It went from under her left breast to her right hip.

Maddy became aware of Hotch looking at her scare, so she quickly put on the shirt she had borrowed and walked past Hotch and down the stairs to Emily, who was still looking for her bag.

"Where the hell is it?"

"It's by the front door."

Emily turned around and looked at Maddy confused. "What?"

"Your bag; it's by the front door," Maddy said with a small smile just as Hotch walked back down. He stopped next to her, but Maddy quickly moved away. Emily noticed this and gave Hotch a confused look as they walked behind Maddy out of the front door. Hotch just shook his head leaning closer to her, whispering that he would tell her later.

Emily and Maddy got into one car and Hotch into another and then they drove off in opposite directions. All the way back to the house Maddy was quiet. Emily wanted to ask her what had happened between her and Hotch earlier, but she knew Maddy was not ready to talk about it yet and if she pushed too much Maddy may never open up to her.

"You are going to come by the office later, right?" Emily asked as she pulled up in front of the house. With a faint smile Maddy nodded and got out of the car and walked in to the house. Emily sighed as she watched Maddy walking away.

/

Maddy walked through the class doors to the bullpen with her jeans sticking to her thighs and her hair hanging loose around her face dripping with water.

Then she got closer Morgan burst into laughter. "You look like a drowned rat."

Maddy rolled her eyes dropping down into a chair by Emily's disk asking, "Where is Emily?"

"She is talking with Hotch," Morgan responded.

Reid looked surprised at her. "Is it raining?"

"No, I just decided to take a swim with all my clothes on before I got here," Maddy said sarcastically.

"There is no need to be mean," Reid said as Morgan just chuckled at her answer.

Maddy sighed, "I'm sorry; it's just that my jeans are absolutely soaked, my hair looks like hell and I'm unbelievably cold!"

With a small laugh Morgan asked, "Would you like to borrow something to wear? I think I have a pair of jogging pants in my bag."

Maddy nodded and Morgan grabbed the pants from his go bag and handed them to her. She went down to the ladies room and changed out of her wet pants and into the dry once and fixed her hair into a messy ponytail. As she walked back to the others she saw Emily and Hotch talking by her disk. _Great,_ she thought, _he has probably told her about my scar. _Maddy rolled her eyes as she walked up to them with her wet jeans folded in her hands.

Emily tilted her head then she noticed Maddy walking towards them. She was wearing the light blues shirt she had borrowed from her earlier and a pair of black oversized jogging pants that had FBI written with big white letters down the right side. Emily guessed that they belonged to Morgan.

Maddy lied the pants on the disk and was just about to complain to Emily about the rain when Hotch turned to her and asked, "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

Maddy, who was taking completely by surprise, answered a bit stutter "Yeah sure."

As Hotch and Maddy walked up to his office Morgan turned to Emily and asked, "What was that about?"

"I don't really know," Emily answered and looked up at the office just as the door closed.

/

Hotch closed the door to his office and went to sit down in the chair behind his desk as Maddy just stood watching his movements. Hotch looked at Maddy and nodded towards the chair in front of him. For a moment she just looked at the chair debating with herself if she should sit or not, but decided to sit and just get this over with.

As Maddy sat down Hotch leant forward a little and said, "I'm sorry for what happened this morning."

"For what? Walking in on me in the bathroom or for staring at the scar on my stomach?" Maddy asked without showing any kind of emotions.

"What happened?"

"When?"

"When you got that scar, Madeline."

"That is not any of your business, sir." Maddy said matching Hotch's tone. "And I won't even bother asking you not to tell Emily anything about the scar, because I all ready know that you are going to tell her anyway."

Hotch sighed, "Maddy, would you please just tell me how it happened?"

"What if I told you that I had done it to myself?"

Hotch did not respond

Maddy rolled her eyes. "I fell through a glass door then I was younger."

Hotch knew that she was lying and was just about to reply then his phone started to ring. As he answered the phone Maddy saw the opportunity to get away and quickly got up from the chair and walked out of the office and back to Emily and the others. Emily gave her questioning smile before asking, "What was all that about?"

Maddy sat on the edge of the disk. "He wanted to apologize to me."

"Why?" Emily looked confused.

Maddy blushed slightly. "He kind of walk in on me when I was in the bathroom changing this morning."

Hearing what Maddy had just said Rossi stopped next to her and asked, "Who walked in on you?"

"Agent Hotchner. I guess Emmy asked him to find me while she looked for her bag." Maddy stopped talking when all of the sudden the four people around her became very quiet and then she realized what she had just said. "Oops!"

She turned to Emily. "I guess you didn't tell them."

"Not yet," Emily said and blushed as all three men started asking questions about her and Hotch.

Smiling Maddy turned around when she felt someone looking at her, but her smile quickly disappeared when she saw Hotch watching her from the window in his office, and she knew that she would have to tell him the truth.

* * *

"_I hate knowing that I know and don't being able to tell anyone."_


	20. Like a family

Run away little girl!

Emily opened her eyes when she felt two small hands tickling her feet. Laughing she pulled the covers away and saw Jack sitting at the end of the bed with a big smile on his lips. This must really be the next best way wake to up, only being out beat by waking up in Aaron's arms.

"Daddy made pancakes!"

"He did?" Emily asked with a big grin.

Jack nodded his head excitedly as Emily crawled out of bed and lifted Jack up in her arms. She carried him to the kitchen where she saw Hotch setting the dinner table.

"Daddy she woke up!" Jack yelled as he more or less jumped out of Emily's arms and ran to his father. "Can I tell her?" Hotch nodded.

"Tell me what?" Emily asked curiously smiling at the little boy.

Hotch lifted Jack unto one of the dinner table chairs as boy excitedly said, "Daddy said we could go to the zoo today!"

"That sounds like a really fun thing to do today," Emily said sitting down opposite of Jack and placed a pancake on his plate. Hotch sat next to him and helped him cut the pancake into smaller pieces so it would be easier for him to eat. As they ate Hotch and Emily were talking about their plans for the day and Jack eating his pancakes in silence till he suddenly asked, "Daddy, can my friend come, too?"

"Where?"

"To the zoo. Can my friend come with me to the Zoo?"

Hotch and Emily looked curious at each other before Hotch asked, "What friend?"

"Maddy."

_Maddy, of course, _Hotch thought. She had become one of Jack's favorite persons in the world after she started babysitting. The babysitting had begun the Friday after Emily official had meet Jack for the first time. Haley had called and asked if she could drop Jack of at the office a couple of hours earlier. Hotch had agreed, but he had no idea how he was supposed to entertain his almost three year-old son for more than four hours in his office, but then his remembered Maddy. She had become a regular part of office live on Fridays, that is if the team was not out on a case. So Hotch had asked her if she would like to look after Jack for a couple of hours. She had agreed and her and Jack had played in the conference room for the rest of the afternoon and it had been like that more or less every Friday afternoon since that day.

Hotch smiled and ruffled Jack's hair as he said, "If you promise to be a good boy today then you can ask Emily to call Maddy and see if she will like to go with us."

"I will be a good boy!" Jack said with a big smile then he turned to Emily. "Can we call Maddy now?"

"Sure we can." Emily helped Jack down from the chair and together they found Emily's phone on the coffee table. She hit spied dialed 9 and handed the phone to Jack. He pressed it to his ear and waited for Maddy to answer.

/

Maddy pulled the covers over her head as her phone started ring trying to get the sound to go away, but the phone kept on ringing. _Who the hell is calling me at 9:15 on a Sunday morning? _Maddy thought as she tossed the covers to the side and got out of bed.

"Yeah?"

"Maddy, we are going to the zoo!" a cheerful little voice almost screamed into the phone.

"Good morning to you too, Jack," Maddy chuckled and by the sound of the little boy's voice her grumpiness disappeared. "Are you going to the zoo with your Daddy and Emmy?"

"And you!" He said with a big laugh.

A bit confused Maddy asked, "What? Jack, may I please talk to Emmy for a second?"

"Okay." Maddy could hear the sound of Jack's footsteps and then a loud _"Maddy wants to talk"_ before Emily voice came over the phone. "Good morning Maddy."

"Good morning Emmy. What it that I hear about a trip to the zoo?"

"We are going to the zoo and Jack really wants you to come, too."

"Okay."

"So will you come with us?"

"Sure, who am I to say no to that cute little boy?" Maddy said with at low laugh.

"Good. We will come and pick you up at 1, okay?"

"Yeah okay, see you later." Maddy hang up the phone as a big smile spread on her face. She was going to the zoo. She had not been there since she was a kid, so this would be nice. Maddy grabbed some clothes and walked into the bathroom to get ready to go even though there was still three and a half hours till they were going to pick her up.

/

Jack held Maddy's hand tight in his own as he dragged her from one animal to the next. Now it was the giraffes and like the other time Maddy lifted Jack up in her arms so he could see over the fence. Hotch wrapped his arms around Emily's waist from behind and lay his chin on her shoulder then he looked over at Maddy and Jack and smiled.

Jack pointed at the animals and said, "Giraffes have really long necks!"

Laughing Maddy kissed his cheek asked, "Do you want to know something cool about giraffes?"

Jack nodded.

"A giraffe can clean is ears with its tongue, because is so long."

"I can't do that," Jack said a bit sad, but then he smiled big. "But I can clean nose with my tongue!"

"What?"

"See." Jack turned in her arms so he was facing her and then he stuck out his tongue and moved it up so the tip of the tongue reached his nose. Maddy and Emily laughed and Hotch just smiled.

"That is pretty cool, Jack," Maddy said and put him back down on the ground so they could move on to the next animal and this time Jack wanted to see the polar bears. On their way over to the polar bears Jack stopped and turned to his dad and said, "Daddy, can I have an ice cream?"

"Sure, let's go find you an ice cream, buddy," Hotch said and lifted up in his arms and before leaving he turned to Emily and Maddy. "Do you two want anything?"

"No thanks," Emily said and Maddy just shook her head. "We will wait for you here."

They walked to the nearest bench and sat down. Maddy tugged her legs up under herself and leaned her head back enjoying the sun on her face. Emily looked at her and smiled, but it faded away as she thought about the scar that was hiding underneath her clothes. Hotch had told her about the scar and the lie Maddy had told him about how she got it. Emily wondered if she would lie to her about it too and decided to give it a try. "Maddy, Aaron told me about the scar."

"I know," Maddy said with a low sigh.

"How did it happen?" Emily asked hoping Maddy would answer her honestly.

Maddy just shook her head a couple of times and said, "I don't want to talk about that now."

"Okay," Emily said a bit disappointed.

"But I will tell you something else. I remember the last time I was here. I was eleven and I really wanted to go, but my mother wasn't up for it so I went by myself. It was about a month after Maggie was murdered and I sat on the bench in front of the elephants for hours. She really loved the elephants," Maddy said opening her eyes and turned to look at Emily. "I just sat there on the bench looking at them crying till a woman with a pram sat down next to me and asked me if I was okay. I lied and told her that everything was fine. She smiled at me and told me that whatever was wrong would not seem so bad tomorrow. I just looked at her a told her that my seven year-old sister had been murdered and was going be buried tomorrow, so I didn't think that tomorrow was going to be any better. She looked at me chocked. I got up and left and I haven't been back since."

Emily was just about to say something back when she heard Hotch and Jack behind them. She turned to them and a big smile appeared on her lips. Jack face was covered in ice cream and he laughed as he said, "Look what a big ice cream daddy got for me!"

"It looks really good," Maddy said as Jack walked over to sit in between her and Emily. The three adults just looked at Jack as he ate his ice cream end talked about all the animals he had seen.

When he was done Maddy grabbed his hand and they walked off to find the bathrooms so he could get clean up.

Hotch and Emily looked after them as they walked away. "She is really good with Jack."

"Yeah, he really likes her and he like you too," Hotch said with a smile as he leaned forward and kissed her.

"Yucky!"

Hotch and Emily pulled apart and looked Jack who was sitting on Maddy's back with his arms around her neck and his tongue stuck out making a face.

"Come on Jack, let's go look at the polar bears." Maddy said with a laugh and then they turned and walked to the bears. Hotch and Emily got up and walked with them.

_This was how a family is supposed to be like_, Maddy thought as she looked at the others. Hotch and Emily were walking hand in hand next to her smiling while she was carrying Jack on her back. He was clinging to her like a baby monkey and from time to time she could barely breathe, because Jack was holding his small arms so tightly around her neck, but she did not care. For the first time since Maggie died she felt like she was a part of a family. She felt happy, but she knew that the felling would not last. They were only her family for a few more hours. It would all go back to normal the minute Emily dropped her off at home. She would be alone again in that big house with parents who were never home. Maddy sighed and gave Jack's little hands a small squeeze as she felt him tighten them around her neck.

"_You take the little snippets of happiness or you don't get any happiness at all."_


	21. How can you love me?

Run away little girl!

Emily looked out her bedroom window and up at the drake, rain full sky. She smiled as she remembered how she used to try and count the stars then she was little. She sighed, but it was a happy sigh. Things had gotten better and she actually felt happy. Emily had not really felt happy for about 8 months. Sure, she had been happy from time to time, but that was not the same as feeling happy. Right now she was happy. She could feel the happiness in her body. She felt lighter, as if someone had been sitting on top off her chest and now finally had gotten off.

But she felt guilty for feeling happy, because as she got more and more happy Maddy became more and more closed off and Emily was worried. She tried to get Maddy to talk to her about the scar, but she kept shutting her out. Whenever Emily asked her how she was doing, she would just smile and say that everything was fine. She did not know what to do about it, but Aaron had promised that he would help her find the best way to help Maddy.

Emily turned and looked at the sleeping form in her bed. Aaron Hotchner. She smiled. She felt so lucky to have him there with her. He was understanding and sweet and even though he denied it, he was a hero. Her hero. No matter what he said he would always be her hero. He had saved her that night three and a half months ago in her apartment and that made him a hero. Emily smiled again. She couldn't help it. She always smiled when she through about him, which was also how JJ and Garcia had found out about them. She laughed as she thought about the conversation she had have with them about it. The dinner they had planned in order to get her to tell them, why she always smiled and especially when she was with Aaron.

And that was it; Emily always smiled when she was around Aaron. He made her happy, it was because of him that she was happy and Emily knew what that meant; she was in love with him. Emily sighed and looked out the window. She was scared. She could not remember the last time she had been in love, it was some many years ago and every time she had gotten her heart broken. She did not think she could handle another heartbreak and especially not from him. Emily wanted to cry. She was happy and scared at the same time and she did not know that to do. Small tears slowly ran down her cheeks. She did not wipe them away she just kept looking out the window and let them fall till someone wrapped their arms around her waist. Emily was startle by this and jumped a little.

"Hey, don't be afraid, sweetheart, it's just me," Hotch said and he tightened his grip on her. As he laid his head on her shoulder and pressed his cheek against hers he could feel the tears on it. "Why are you crying?"

"It's nothing," Emily said shaking her head.

"Come on, Emily, I know it's not_ nothing_. You wouldn't be crying if it was nothing."

"I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"The things that have happened the past 6 months."

"Why did that make you cry?"

"Because," Emily turned in his arms so she could look at him, "because I think I'm in love with you and that scares the hell out of me," she confessed and looked into his eyes waiting for him to say something, but he did not. He just lowered his mound to hers and kissed it lightly. He then moved his mound to her neck and trailed light kisses down it till he reached her collar bone, then he moved his head back up to look at her. Emily had her eyes closed and mound slightly open. He kissed her nose which made her open her eyes and smile at him.

"I love you," Hotch said and leaned down to kiss her again, but Emily moved her head away from his and looked at him.

"How can you love me?" she asked as tears started to roll down her cheeks.

Hotch looked confused.

"You know what I have done to myself. I won't even let you touch my arms. So how can you love me?" Emily stepped back and looked down as she wrapped her arms around herself.

Hotch walked over to her and cupped her face with his hands. "Emily, look at me." She slowly lifted her head. "What you have done means nothing. It's just a part of who you are now and that will not change how I feel about you. I love you and that is all that counts," Hotch said as he wiped the tears of her cheeks with his thumbs and then he kissed her again. Emily kissed back and led them to her bed. She lied down pulling Hotch down with her never breaking the kiss. Hotch slid his hand underneath her long sleeved blouse rubbing her bare skin. His hands slowly worked its way up her smooth skin and Emily kissed her way down his throat. Hotch started to push her blouse up, but feeling Emily stiffen under his touch he stopped. "We can stop if you want to."

"No, it's not that," Emily said and looked embarrassed away from him.

Knowing that she was thinking about Hotch said, "You are beautiful no matter what your arms looks like." Then he moved her blouse over her head and kissed her. With a smile Emily wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back.

/

A couple of hours later Hotch woke. Emily was lying with her naked front pressed to his side and her head on his chest fast asleep. He ran his hand down her back and rubbed circles on it; he kissed her forehead and pulled her closer. Rossi once said to Hotch that when Emily cried the entire universe cried with her just because of how heartbreaking it was. And it was true; it had pained him so much to see her cry all because she could not understand how he could love her.


	22. Maddy's Poetry2 Keep out!

She cries

A young girl sits in the corner,

And I hear her sigh.

She used to be so happy,

But it was all a lie.

She feels so empty,

And she wants to die.

So she covers her face,

And quietly stars to cry.

She cries and cries and cries,

She lets it all out after so many years.

She don't know what to do,

So she just sits there wiping her tears.

Everything becomes dim,

I know what's on her mind.

I hope with all my heart,

That happiness she soon will find.

She is tired of hiding,

Of being in the dark.

She knows what to do,

She has already left her mark.

She picks up the razor,

And her tears fades away.

She wants it all to end,

And today is the day.

She knows she's killing her future - her dreams,

She knows it's wrong.

But she can't stop,

She is not that strong.

She looks at the razor,

And slowly slits her writes.

I watch as her world fades away,

And turns into black mists.

She used to be so happy,

But why do I care and why do I cry?

That's then I realize all too late,

That the girl in the corner was I.


	23. Running away

Run away little girl!

Maddy walked into house, which was once again empty. Her parents were at a dinner party and Mrs. Jacobs had the night off. She looked around the big front hall and sighed.

She was all alone again. All Maddy really wanted to do was call Emily and ask if she wanted to come over and maybe watch a movie. But Maddy also did not want to disturb her, because she knew that Emily had plans with Hotch, so he was probably still at her place. Instead Maddy pulled her cell phone from her bag and called Lauren, one of her only friends.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Maddy."

"Maddy? Oh my God! How are you?"

"I'm fine, but I was wondering if you maybe wanted to do something tonight?"

"Well, I'm actually going to a party."

"Oh, okay."

"But you are more than welcome to come if you want."

Maddy smiled. "I would really like too."

Lauren paused for a minute and then asked, "I pick you up at nine?"

"Yeah, nine is fine."

"Good, see you later."

"Bye."

Maddy hung up the phone and looked at her watch. It was 7:35, so she had an hour and 25 minutes to get ready.

Maddy ran up the stairs and walked to her room. She opened the closet and looked around it in search for something to wear, but gave up and sat down on her bed with a sigh. She had one idea what to wear. She had not been to a "real" party for over a year, so what did people wear now, and was it something she would be able to wear? Her thighs were covered in scars, so no short skirts and no tops that showed any of her stomach, because having to explain how she got that, was not a thing she wanted to do. Maddy sighed and closed the doors to the closet again and headed for the bathroom to take a shower. She would just have to deal with her "what to wear" problem later.

/

After her shower Maddy had gone through her closet a second time and chosen a pair of black tight jeans and a red top that was tied with two strings behind her neck, which left her back bar all the way her loin. She did not know if her top was modern enough, but it was sexy, so people probably would not care.

Maddy looked at herself in the mirror and actually liked what she saw. The clothes looked good on her, her black hair was nicely curled, her dark make-up made her blue eyes stand out and she had been able to hide the scar on her left wrist with a big bracelet. She hated that scar, but that was what you got when you tried to kill yourself. Maddy sighed. This was so not her. The clothes and make-up were not what she normally would wear, but she could live with it. It was only for one night and all she wanted tonight was to get drunk and forget everything.

/

Lauren picked her up at nine, just like she had she said would, with a big grin and a "Wow girl, you look hot!"

The party was at one of Lauren's friends that Maddy did not know; actually she did not know any of the people who were there.

Maddy walked closely behind Lauren as she said hello to everyone and introduced Maddy to them.

Now Maddy was standing in the corner trying to remember the names of the people she had just met. She sighed.

Parties had never really been her thing. There were too many people she did not know and the music was too loud. She sighed again and then she felt someone watching at her. She looked around and saw a 20-something guy looking at her. He was tall with short brown hair and green eyes and quite good looking. He smiled at her. Oh, and he had dimples too.

Maddy held eye-contact with him for a moment and then he started walking towards her.

"Hi, I'm Adam," he said standing half behind her now.

Maddy looked over her shoulder. "I'm Madeline," she said with a shy smile.

"Madeline?"

"Yeah, but you can just call me Maddy. Everyone else does."

"Maddy then," he said and ran two fingers down her spine. "You want me to get you something to drink?"

"That is not necessary," Maddy said holding up the beer she had in her left hand. She did not really like beer, but it was better than having some guy mix her a drink. Rule number one when at a party: Always get your own drink and never let someone else mix you one! "But you can ask me, if I want to dance," she said with a flirty smile as she looked over her shoulder at him.

"Do you want to dance?"

She turned back around saying, "Nah, I'm not drunk enough just yet."

Laughing he removed the beer from her hand and led her to the dance floor.

/

An hour of dancing and two beers later, Maddy found herself pressed against a wall in the upstairs hall making out with Adam. He was flush against her and had his hands on her hips while her arms were wrapped tightly around his neck. Adam reached his hands up under her top and cupped her breasts. Maddy threw her lips from his leaning her head back against the wall with a loud moan. He kissed her neck and Maddy sighed deeply as she felt her body getting hot. But she immediately stiffened when she felt his hands running over the scar on her stomach.

Adam moved his lips from her neck and looked down at her trying to catch her eyes, but Maddy just kept staring at the spot where their bodies were pressed against each other. She knew what he was about to ask.

Adam pulled his left hand from under her top and lifted her chin up looking her in the eyes while running his right hand down the scar. "What happened?"

Maddy closed her eyes while trying to decide what to tell him, but settled on just telling him the lie, because nothing kills the mood like talking about her murdered little sister. "I fell through a glass door as a kid," Maddy said and started kissing him again.

"You are lying," Adam said with his lips pressed against hers.

Maddy did not reply she just kept kissing him and pulled him as close against her as she could.

Adam figured Maddy was not up for talking about the scar anymore as she now was rubbing the lower part of her body against his. He hardened and moved his hands to open her pants.

As Maddy felt his hands trying to unzip her pants she moved his hands away. She could not do this. Sex with a stranger was just what she needed, but she could not go have sex with him when the image of her dead sister was printed in her mind. But instead of tell him that she said, "Hey, hold on a second. I'm not going to do this here." She kissed him. "If you go find us a room then I will wait for you here till you come back."

He nodded and quickly left in search for a room.

As soon as he was out of sight Maddy closed her pants again and ran down the stairs. She said goodbye to Lauren and grabbed her coat before leaving the house. She walked out into the rain but did not get far then she heard her name being called. She looked back at the house and then saw Adam in one of the windows.

Confused he asked, "Where are you going?"

"Home!" she yelled.

"Why?"

Maddy just shook her head and walked away.

Maddy started to run as the image of Maggie kept playing in her mind. She remembered her lying on the kitchen floor covered in blood looking up at her with dead eyes. She remembered how she had knelt next to Maggie's lifeless body shaking her shoulder trying to wake her up. She remembered how his hand had covered her mouth so she could not scream and how the knife had felt against the skin of her stomach.

Maddy kept on running as the memories played in her head like a horror movie. She wished that she would be able to just run away from all the pain she was feeling. She had tried so many times before, but had never succeeded. But this time she would, she was sure of that.

Maddy had to stop running as her sight was completely blurred now from tears she had not even noticed had started to fall. She dried her eyes in the sleeved of her coat and looked around to see where she was. She was standing right in front of Emily's apartment building. Without even knowing it Maddy had run to the only place she felt safe.

She sighed and debated with herself if she should go inside or not. She decided on the first, so she walked across street and into the building. She drove the elevator up to Emily's floor and walked to her front door.

Maddy was just about to knock on the door, but stopped herself from doing it. Emily would notice the change in her behavior. So instead she sat down on the floor and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from bag. She wrote something on the paper and then slid it under the door.

/

An hour later Maddy was home again and she was completely soaked. Her once so pretty curly hair hung lose around her face dripping with water and her make-up was smudged out around her eyes.

Maddy walked up the stairs and into her bathroom. There she removed her wet clothes and stood naked in front of the mirror. For a moment she just looked at herself as she ran a finger over her scar. She sighed and washed the make-up off her face and then walked back into her room. She put some underwear on and a light blue nightgown with thin straps. No long sleeves tonight. Even though the scars on her arms were almost invisible by now, she still did not feel comfortably wearing clothes that showed her arms.

When Maddy had first started cutting she had cut her arms. But as time went on it got more and more difficult to hid the cuts, especial when she had to wear a dress to all the parties her parents dragged her to, so instead she moved from her arms to her thighs. They were easier to cover up and she had never been the kind of girl who wore short skirts or dresses, so that was not going to be a problem.

Maddy moved over to her bad and lied down on her stomach on the floor next to it. She stretched her left arm out under it and started fumbling after her "secret" box. After some time she finally reached it and then she pulled it from under the bed. She walked into the bathroom again and sat down on the floor with the box in her lap.

The box was actually just an old shoebox that has been painted red. Maddy removed the lid from the box and the first thing she saw was the pink bunny Emily had once given to Maggie. Maddy had kept it after she died just like she had kept Maggie's favorite blouse and her beloved purple blanket with the small stars on it. Those two objects were also hided in the box. Maddy took the things out of it and laid them on the floor next to her. Under the things was hidden what she was really looking for. A small orange pill bottle was lying on the bottom of the box. It was her mother's sleeping pills. Maddy had stolen them from cabinet in her parents' bathroom sometime before her last suicide attempt. She had been planning on using them changed her mind and cut her wrist instead.

Maddy grabbed the pill bottle and put the other things back in the box. She got up from the floor and moved over to the sink where she filled a glass with water.

She looked at herself in the mirror as she started swallowing the pills one by one.

When she had finished the pills she started looking through cabinet drawer for the razor she normally used to cut with. She found it and sat back down on the floor.

For a long time she just looked at the razor. She wanted to be sure that if the pills did not do the job when the razor would. So when Maddy felt her head starting to get heavy she placed the razor on the scar on her left wrist and pressed down.

As her head got more and more heavy, Maddy had to lie down on the floor. She watched through half closed eyes how the blood left her body and formed a pool around her wrist. She lifted her right hand over to the blood pool and dipped her index finger in it. Her movements was slow, but she was able to do it and the last thing she saw, before her world turned black, was the words "_when an angel says goodbye" _written in her in blood on the tiled bathroom floor.


	24. Goodbye?

Run away little girl!

Emily woke to find the space in the bed next to her empty. She sad up and looked around the room as her eyes adjusted to the morning light. At first she thought that everything that happened the night before had just been a dream, but then she pulled the duvet up and looked at herself - she was naked. Emily smiled. She lay back down and rolled over to where Hotch had been laying earlier. The covers were still a little warm. She laughed and quickly got out of bed, dressed and walked down stairs to find Hotch sitting by the island drinking caffee and reading the newspaper.

Hotch looked up and saw Emily walking towards him. "Good morning, beautiful."

Emily chuckled and said with a smile, "Good morning to you, too."

She walked over and kissed him before getting a bowl of oatmeal and some caffee.

"So, what do you want to do today?"

"I would like just to-" Emily started coughing violently. She ran to the sink and leaned over it as she spit out what oatmeal that was left in her mouth.

Hotch jumped down from the chair and ran to her side and lay a hand on her back as he asked concerned, "Are you okay?"

Emily turned too looked at him. She had tears running down her cheeks. "I… I can't breathe." The words came out in small gasp as she tried to get some air down in her lungs.

He got her a glass of water and rubbed her back. Emily drank the water bit by bit and her breathing slowly went back to normal. She looked at him. Her eyes were red from crying and her face was unusually pale.

"Are you okay now?" Hotch asked stroking her cheeks and wiping her tears away.

Emily nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay," she said with a faded smile.

He kissed her forehead and then they walked back to where they had been sitting before. Emily looked at her bowl with oatmeal and then pushed it away. There was no way in hell that she was finishing that. She sighed.

Hotch turned to her. "Are you sure that you are really okay?"

Emily could see how concerned he was, so she smiled and said, "Yes, I am fine. My throat inches a bit, but that's it."

"Good," he gave her a small smile, "but… mm… you have a little something in your hair."

Emily looked down at her hair and saw the remainders of the oatmeal that had stuck to her hair when she had spit it out in the sink. "Oh!" Emily got up and walked to the bathroom by the front door. There she quickly picked out the oatmeal and pulled her hair back in a ponytail.

As Emily left the bathroom her eyes caught a glimpse of something white that was lying on the floor. It was a folded piece of paper. She bent down and picked it up thinking it was something she had dropped. She unfolded it and saw what looked like a poem written on the paper.

Emily read it once quickly and did not really understanding the meaning of it. Then she read it again and this time all colour slowly vanished from her face.

"_She does not sleep,_

_She wants too,_

_But she cannot breathe._

_She does not cry,_

_But let's go,_

_At the world and the sense."_

"_Tonight,_

_She takes a jumbo jet to paradise._

_A single ticket._

_Final destination._

_Tonight_

_You can see her in the sky,_

_When she flies by._

_The last terminus."_

Hotch had heard Emily come out from the bathroom, so when she did not come back to the kitchen, he got up to see what was keeping her. Emily was standing frozen by the front door looking down at a piece of paper she was holding in her hands. He placed a hand on her shoulder. "Emily?"

Emily swallowed and looked at him with watery eyes. "It's Maddy's handwriting."

Hotch toke the paper from her hands and read it as Emily started to put on her shoes and jacket. She grabbed her keys and phone and was out the door even before Hotch had time to react.

He reached her by her car when she was trying to unlock the door, but her hands were shaking too much. He put his hand on hers and toke the keys. "Come on, let me drive."

/

When they reached the house Emily more or less jumped out of the car before it was even at a stop and ran the rest of the way to the front door. She rang the doorbell and knocked twice, but nobody answered, so Emily tried the door and found it unlocked.

"Hello? Is anyone home?" Emily yelled as she walked through the front door with Hotch right behind her. When there was not an answer they continue up the stairs and down the hall to Maddy's room. The room looked untouched, but when they walked further into it they saw that the bathroom door had been kicked in. There were bloody towels in the sink and a pull of dried blood on the floor.

Emily sank crying into the floor with her head in her hands. "Maddy, what have you done?"

As Hotch quickly left the room he pulled his cell phone out from his pocket and dial Garcia's number.

"Talk to me."

Should he be worried or grateful that Garcia was in the office at 10 in the morning on a Sunday? Hotch shook his head and said, "Garcia, I need you to find out what hospital Maddy has been admitted to."

"Sir?" She paused. "What is going on? What has happened to Maddy?"

Hotch could hear Garcia typing away on her keyboard. "We are pretty sure that she has tried to kill herself. Her bathroom door has been kicked in and there is blood on the floor."

"How can you be sure? Maybe something bad has happened to her."

Hotch sighed. "She left Emily a note."

"Oh," Garcia gasped. "I will find her."

"Thanks and one more thing."

"Yes?"

"I need you to find out everything you can about Maddy and her family. I want to know why this girl keeps trying to kill herself." Hotch hang up the phone and walked back to Emily who was still sitting on the bathroom floor. She had stopped crying and was now just starring at the bloody floor. The buzzing of Hotch's phone made Emily look up. She looked questioningly at him as he read the message.

Hotch put the phone away and stretched his arm out for her to take. He helped her up from the floor and said, "Garcia has found out which hospital Maddy is at."

Emily gave him an almost invisible nod, but when Hotch did not say anything more she asked, "And?"

"Maddy is alive, but that is all she knows."

/

Emily watched Maddy's chest raise and fall through the glass window to her room. Only family members were allowed to be in a patient's room in the ICU. Emily had not been able to get any information about Maddy condition so all she could do was guess. And from what she could see things were really bad. Maddy had been intubated, which meant that she was not able to breathe on her on, and Emily did not have to be a doctor to know that that was bad.

It would actually just have looked liked she was asleep if it has not been for the tube she had down her throat, because even though her skin was deadly pale there was still a little colour left in her cheeks and her hands lay nicely folded on her stomach.

"What are you doing here?"

Emily quickly turned around and stood face to face with Ann Moon, Maddy's mother. Hotch, who had been sitting in a chair further down the hall, stood and walked to stand my Emily's side.

"I will ask you again: what are you doing here?"

"How is she?" Emily asked instead of answering Ann's question.

"You have no right asking that. This is all your fault!"

Emily was talking completely by surprise by this. "How is this my fault?"

"Madeline has not been happy for some time, I know that, but I have never seen her so unhappy as when she comes home after spending time with you."

"That is only because she has to come home to you!" Emily almost yelled. She was mad. How could she say that this was her fault? She had been the only one trying to really help Maddy get better. She had actually spent some time with her instead off just sending her of to see some therapist. But Emily quickly regretted what she had said when she saw the hurt look on Ann's face. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean it like that."

Ann walked around Emily so she was standing in front of the window and said as she looked at Maddy, "I'm trying. I really am. I even drive her to the therapist office myself every Friday, so I'm sure she is going."

"She spends every Friday afternoon with me."

"What?" Ann looked at Emily in shook. "But I drive her there - every week."

Emily shrugged her shoulders.

Ann turned back to looked at Maddy. "How did things get this bad?"

Emily sighed. "What happened last night?"

She walked over and sat in the chair that Hotch had been sitting in earlier.

Ann sat down next to her and started telling her about last night events. "Patrick and I were at a dinner party and came home at about three in the morning. Madeline was supposed to be home, but the house was dark, and Maddy never leaves the lights off."

"I know," Emily said with a sad smile. "She is terrified of the dark."

Ann nodded. "So then we walked up stairs to her room. She was not there, but we could see light coming from the bathroom so I tried to open it, but it was locked, so I knocked on the door, but she did not answer. I kept on knocking and yelling her name, but she was still not answering. Patrick started threatening her. Saying that he would kick the door in if she did not open it, but there was still no answer, so he did it. He kicked in the door and there we found her. She was laying in a pull of blood on the floor. I quickly grabbed a towel and ran to her side. I pressed the towel to her wrist trying to stop the bleeding. Patrick was standing in the doorway talking to 911. They came ten minutes later." Ann sighed. "She has been unconscious since we found her. The doctors say she is in a coma. They do not know if she will ever wake up."

"I'm sorry."

"She did not just cut her wrist this time she also took an overdose of sleeping pills." Ann's cell phone started buzzing. She looked at the caller ID. "I have to take this. It's her father."

Emily nodded and looked at Ann as she walked away. As soon as she was out of sight Emily let her tears fall.

Hotch sat down next to her and took her hand.

Emily sniffled and laid her head on his shoulder with a heavy sighed.

He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her hand. If Maddy did not survive this he was not sure Emily would either.


	25. Breakdown

Run away little girl!

"Emily, you really need to go home and get some sleep," Hotch said as he pulled a chair up next to hers and handed her a cup of coffee. It was one in the morning and Emily had being sitting by Maddy's bedside all day, only leaving her side to go to the bathroom. When coffee and food would become necessary, Hotch would be one who want down to the cafeteria to get it.

Emily shook her head. "No, I want to stay."

"You need sleep."

"But Maddy may wake up."

Hotch toke her hand and looked her in the eyes and said, "The doctor says what her chances of waking up aren't big."

"I know," Emily said with a sigh.

Hotch got up and pulled Emily from the chair and into a hug. She buried her face in the crack of his neck. He kissed her lightly on the side of her head and tightened his hold on her.

"Emily, please just home and sleep for a couple of hours."

"You need sleep, too, so you go home now and I will just stay a little while longer."

"No, I'm not leaving you."

"I will be fine, Aaron," Emily said stroking his cheek.

"But-"

Before Hotch was able to say anything more, Emily had her lips pressed against his. She quickly leaned back again and said, "Go home. I will see you tomorrow at work."

"I think you should take the day off."

"No I'm going to come in. I will have to do something to get my mind of things."

Hotch sighed. "Okay."

He kissed her goodbye and walked out and closed the door behind him, but stopped to look at Emily through the small window in the door. Emily had sat back down in the chair next to Maddy's bed and pulled it closer. She took Maddy's hand in hers and brought it to her mouth lightly kissing her knuckles. She said something to Maddy he could not hear before she laid her head down on the mattress and closed her eyes.

Hotch sighed. He knew Emily was not going anywhere tonight.

/

_Emily was standing by Maddy's bathroom door. She was pounding franticly on the door and yelling, "Maddy open the door! Come on, please open the door!"_

_But there was no answer._

_No sound at all._

_Emily was just about to start pounding at the door again when she felt something wet touch her feet. She looked down and saw the red liquid coming out from under the door. She stepped back, but then the silence was broken by a beeping sound. _

"_MADDY!" Emily yelled hysterically trying to open the door. Nothing happened. Emily slide down on the floor crying as the beeping continued._

Emily eyes snapped open and she quickly pulled her head from her arms and sat up straight when she remembered that she was sitting by her desk in the office. She looked around and saw Morgan staring at her.

"Are you okay?" he asked concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she answered.

He looked sceptically at her. "You have been asleep for almost an hour and you're crying."

Emily quickly wiped the tears of her cheeks. She had not even noticed that she was crying. She looked down at her arms and saw that her sleeves where cover in wet dots. She most had been crying for some time for it to look like that.

"You had a nightmare?"

Emily nodded.

"You want to talk about it?"

Emily did not answer; she just shook her head and left before Morgan was able to ask anymore question. She walked up the stairs and headed for Hotch's office. She knocked on the door.

"Come in," he said and she did. Hotch was talking on the phone, but when he noticed Emily's red eyes and tear stained cheeks he quickly hung up.

Hotch got up and closed the blinds before walked over to her pulling her into a hug. "You never went home last night, did you?"

She shook her head. "I couldn't."

"How much sleep did you get?"

"A couple of hours then something happened."

"Is what happened the reason for why you had the nightmare?"

Emily looked questionable at him. "How did you know?"

He held her face, thumb brushing over her cheekbone wiping the now invisible tears away. "I just saw you laying over your desk asleep and then the next thing I know you are standing in my office crying, so I put two and two together."

Emily nodded and laid her head against his chest. "I did have a nightmare."

"Was it about Maddy?"

Emily nodded again as she said, "She wouldn't open the door." She sniffled. "There was so much blood and then the beeping started. God! I can't get that beeping sound out of my head."

"What beeping? What happened while you were there?"

Emily tightened her arms around Hotch and pressed her face closer against his chest. "At around five I woke up by the sound of something beeping. It was Maddy's heart monitor. She had flat lined, but luckily the doctors were able to resuscitate her." Emily sighed. "And now I hear the beeping everywhere."

Hotch's phone started ringing and Emily quickly pulled away from him so he could go answer it, but Hotch just pulled her back in his arms and kissed her lightly on the forehead before went back to his desk and answered the phone. "Hotchner."

"Sir, I wasn't able to find the information you wanted about Maddy, but I found something about her sister."

"Her sister?"

"Yes. There are some things about her death that don't make sense, some closed files."

"Have you been able to get into them?"

"Not yet, but it's going to happen anytime now, so it will be good if you come by my office soon."

"I will be there in five minutes," Hotch said and hang up the phone.

Emily walked to his desk and once again looked questionable at him. "What's going on?"

"I asked Garcia to find some information about Maddy?"

"What did she find?"

"I don't know yet. I'm on my way to her office now." Hotch walked around the table to stand beside Emily. He laid his hands on her shoulders, looked her in the eyes and said, "I want you to take the rest of the day off. Go home and get some sleep."

Emily shook her head. "No I want to know that she found!"

"And I will tell you. As soon as I know something I will come home and tell you, okay?"

Emily sighed. "Okay fine."

/

Garcia jumped in her seat, startled by Hotch walking to her office without knocking. "God! Why don't you people ever knock?" Garcia asked and turned to Hotch.

Hotch ignored her question. "What have you got?"

Garcia turned back to her screens. "Something weird is going on. A couple of months ago Emily asked me to find out some things about Maddy, like you did. And I found out what her sister, Maggie Marie Moon, had been killed – burglary gone wrong. At first I wasn't able to find anything, and I mean _anything_. No police report, no autopsy records."

"That doesn't seem right."

"That was that I thought, so I did some more digging and came up with nothing till I found those closed files."

Hotch looked at the three pictures that covered Garcia's screens. One of Maddy wearing a blue sundress and a pink cast on her arm. Someone had drawn green stars on it. Hotch had a feeling that Emily had been the one who had done it. He smiled and then looked at another. The next one was also an old childhood photo. It was Maddy and little girl with the same black hair and blue eyes as Maddy's. HHHhhhhhher sister. They were standing hand in hand on a breach. Both girls were wearing white dresses and their bare feet were buried in the sand. They had a big smile on their faces and were laughing about something. The last one was of newer date. Maddy was sitting in the grass under a tree with a book in her lap. She was wearing light blue jeans and a white long sleeved blouse. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she was wearing little make-up. The picture would have looked so natural and relaxed if it has not been for the obvious fate smile on her lips.

Hotch sighed and then asked, "Did you get into it?"

"I did." Garcia quickly ran her fingers over the keys. "In the files I found information about what really happened that night. A man named Ryan Miller broke into the Moon family's house to take revenge on Patrick Moon for destroying his family. Apparently Mr. Moon had been having an affair with Ryan Miller's wife."

"So he wanted to destroy Moon's family as well, by killing one of his children?"

Garcia slowly turned to Hotch before saying, "Actually, he was about to kill the other one was well, but luckily Maddy was able to scream loud enough for her parents to wake up and then run back upstairs. She hid in her bedroom closet for hours refusing to come out."

"What happened to her?"

"It doesn't say."

"How was her sister killed?"

Garcia looked at the picture of the sisters and the up at Hotch. "Maggie had been stabbed in the chest three times."

/

Emily got out of bed. She had been laying for over an hour just looking at the ceiling not being able to fall asleep. Every time she closed her eyes she would see bathroom floor, covered in Maddy's blood. So instead of trying to get any sleep she would take a long warm bath.

She walked into the bathroom and filled the tub, got undressed and slowly crawled into the hot water. And once again Emily ended up just laying and starring at the ceiling.

When the water started to get cold Emily got out of the tub. She wrapped a trowel around her body walked to stand in front of the mirror over the sink. Her cheeks were red while the rest of her face was unusual pale. Emily grabbed the sink with both hands so hard her knuckles turned white as she started to cry. Tears ran down her cheeks and her body began to shake.

Emily dropped to the floor and pressed her knees against her chest as she began to sob violently.

After a couple of minutes Emily was able to pull herself together. She wiped the tears of her cheeks and got up and looked at her face in the mirror. This time she was not looking at the face of at broken woman, but a determined one.

She wanted to cut and it had to be now!

Emily grabbed her clothes and quickly got dressed, and then she pulled the drawer under the sink open. Her hand went down into the drawer and fumbled after her razor, but then she felt something, not cold and metallic. No, it felt like... paper. She pulled it from the drawer and unfolded it. One. Word. One word and it almost made her cry. In Hotch's handwriting was written:

"SORRY".

Emily screamed.

She actually screamed and then she ran out of the bathroom, down the stairs and into the kitchen. She fiercely pulled every drawer open one by one in search for a knife, a scissor or something else she would be able to cut herself with. And one by one she violently shoved the drawers close again when she did not find what she was looking for.

Every sharp object was gone from her apartment!


	26. Trust

Run away little girl!

* * *

Emily grabbed her bag and ran out of her apartment and down to her car as quickly as her feet could possible carry her, and then she drove at a dangerous high speed back to the office. She parked her car and stormed into the elevator and as soon as it stopped at the right floor Emily more or less ran through the desk area. Morgan, JJ and Reid looked surprised at her as she ran by them and up the stairs. Then she pulled the door to Hotch's office open and slammed it shut after her with a loud bang.

Hotch was startled by the loud sound and his head quickly snapped up.

"What the hell is this?" Emily asked angrily as she threw the piece of paper at Hotch.

He looked at it, but didn't answer her question. "Calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down! And who the hell do you think you are going through my things?" Emily yelled her body shaking with angry.

"I'm sorry," Hotch said with a sigh.

"Don't say that," Emily yelled.

"Then what do you want me to say?" Hotch asked calmly.

"I want to tell me that you trust me!"

"But you have just proved to me that I can't trust you. If I could you wouldn't be here now yelling at me."

Emily felled to her knees on the floor crying. She folded her arms around herself and tried to hold her sobs back. Hotch quickly got out of his chair and knelt before her. She looked up at him and his heart almost broke by the look at her face.

"I can't do this," Emily sobbed. "I want to cut!"

Hotch leaned forward hugging her and Emily wrapped her arms tightly around him as she kept crying.

Hotch rubbed her back and said, "Tell me why you want to cut."

"What?" Emily sobbed.

"Tell me why you want to do it."

"Because I want all of this to go away!" Emily nearly yelled holding more tightly on to Hotch.

"What is 'this'?" Hotch asked.

"That feeling inside my chest, what makes it hurt all over. I want it to go away!"

"Emily, you can't cut out our feelings."

"Yes I can! Because when I cut I don't feel anything. I become numb and for a moment I can actually breathe."

Hotch got an idea. He quickly got up and went over to his desk. He pulled out the top drawer, went through it but did not find what he was looking for, so he went over to the still sobbing Emily. Hotch wiped the tears for her cheeks and kissed her forehead. "I will be right back," Hotch said and then he was out the door.

Hotch had only just closed the door to his office when Morgan concerned asked, "What is going on with Emily? Is she okay?"

Hotch shook his head and went down to JJ office. He knocked on the door and walked in. JJ looked worried up from her files. "What is going on, Hotch?"

"Do you have a red Sharpie I can borrow?"

"What?"

"I need to borrow a red Sharpie."

"Yeah sure." JJ grabbed the Sharpie for the mug on her desk and handed it to him.

Hotch was just on his way out again when JJ asked, "Something really bad is going on with Emily, isn't it?"

Hotch nodded.

"Is there anything I can do?" JJ asked her voice thick with sadness.

Hotch could see the tears forming in the young blonds eyes so he did something he had never done before. He went over and hugged her. He could feel her tears on the side of his neck. "You being there for her is the best thing you can do," Hotch said as he let go of JJ.

She nodded and gave him a sad smile.

Hotch quickly squeezed her shoulder before he ran back to his own office. When he got there he saw that Emily was no longer sitting on the floor but had moved into one of the chairs in front of his desk. She was not crying anymore but she was holding a pair of scissors in her right hand.

"I want to cut, Aaron. I want t cut so badly. I just want it all to go away."

"Do you think it will go away if you cut or come right back?" Hotch asked stepping closer to her.

"Come right back."

"Give me the scissors, Emily? We can try something else and if you still want cut, then I will give you the scissors back myself."

She looked at Hotch suspiciously. "I'm seriously supposed to believe you will give it back to me?"

"Would I ever lie to you?"

Emily tentatively reached her hand out to Hotch and handed him the scissors. Then Hotch reached into his pocket and handed Emily the red Sharpie.

Emily looked at Hotch like he was crazy. "What am I suppose to do with this?"

"Pretend that the marker is your blade, Emily. Go ahead and cut, but tell me what you are thinking when you do it."

Emily pulled her left sleeve up and hesitantly drew the first line on her arm as she whispered, "It's all my fault." As she did so her eyes never left Hotch's.

Emily drew another line. "I'm not good enough."

"Keep going."

Emily was getting the hang of it, wielding the marker as she would wielded her blade, making wide, quick lines on her forearm. "I should have been there for her! I should have helped her!"

Emily looked down at her arm and then threw the Sharpie across the room. "Look at me, I look like an idiot!" Hotch did not know what to said, but did not have to say anything because at that moment a big grin covered Emily's face. "How on earth will I be able wash off permanent marker?"

Hotch smiled. "Did it help?"

Emily nodded. "The urged kind of went away, but it doesn't change how I feel."

"I know," Hotch said pulling her into a hug.

Emily rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, but all of the sudden, Emily's phone started ringing. She quickly fished it out of her pocked. "Prentiss."

She twisted in her seat. "Yes, I will be right there."

Hotch looked concerned at Emily as she hang up the phone. "What is going on?"

Emily sighed. "Maddy is awake."


	27. What do you want from me?

Run away little girl!

* * *

Emily uncertainly made her way into the small room and sat down in the same chair next to Maddy's bed as she had earlier that day. When Maddy woke up, she had acted hysterical and it had been necessary for the doctors to sedate her. So, Maddy was lying in the hospital bed with her hands tied to the bedside and too drugged up to even know what day it was. This time Maddy did not look like she was just asleep. She looked broken and fragile. Stroking Maddy's cheek Emily let out a deep breath and watched as Maddy shifted in her sleep and leant into her touch.

Emily let out a small sob. Life was not supposes to be like this. She was not supposed to cut herself, Maddy was not supposed to try and end her life every chance she got, and her friends was not suppose to get hurt by what she did to herself.

After the Sharpie incident Hotch had told Emily about what happened with JJ. So before leaving for the hospital Emily had stopped by JJ's office. She had gently knocked on the door and then walked in. JJ looked surprised to see, but did not say anything. Emily could see what she had been crying, so she just walked to the other side of JJ's desk and bent down and hugged her. Emily held her tight and whispered. "I love you".

Emily got up from her seat when she saw Hotch by the door. He kissed her forehead and wiped a tear of her cheek. "I thought she was awake," he said and nodded towards Maddy.

"Yeah she was, but the doctors had to sedate her. Apparently Maddy wasn't too happy about still being alive. She wanted to be dead so it was a bit of a crushing blow for her to wake up in a hospital and find out that just the opposite had happened."

"I understand, but was that necessary?" Hotch asked looking at Maddy's restraint hands.

"She was already out when I got here, but her mother told me that when she woke she started screaming and yelling, she threw with everything she could get her hands on and tried to pull out her IV." Emily cleared her throat, "So the doctors thought it was for the best to do both, because they don't know how she will react when she wakes up again."

Emily yawned.

"You need to go home a sleep."

"No I want to stay." Emily looked up at Hotch. "Haven't we already had this conversation?"

Hotch laughed. "I think we did. But if you won't go home to sleep then will you at least lay down on the couch outside the room for just a minute?"

Emily sighed and they walked out room. Hotch sat down and then Emily laid down with her head in his lap. With closed eyes she mumbled, "What if Maddy wakes up?"

"I can see her bed from here. I will wake you," Hotch said as he ran his hand through her hair."

* * *

"_Even if I say it will be alright,_

_Still I hear you say that you want to end your life"_

* * *

Two hours later Hotch noticed that Maddy was about to wake up, and even though he had promised Emily to wake her, he did not do it. She needed more sleep. Hotch got up and walked into the room. Maddy had her head turned to left and was looking out the window. She tried to move her hands, but the restrains kept them in place. Hotch pulled a chair up to her bed on the opposed side of where Emily had been sitting.

"What time is it?" Maddy asked without turning her head around to look at him.

"It's a little after six," he answered.

"Okay."

For some time Maddy just laid there in her bed not moving or saying anything. But when she started twisting her hands in the restrains again Hotch asked, "Do your hands hurt?"

"I can't really feel them."

Hotch got up and stepped closer to the bed. He slowly turned Maddy's right hand and noticed that her fingertips were slightly blue. He loosened the string around her wrist a little, but stopped. "If you promise to act decent and answer one question then I will remove the restrains from your wrists completely."

Maddy turned her face away from his. "I don't feel like answering questions."

"Then just talk to me."

"I don't want to talk about anything."

"Then just listen to me," Hotch said angrily. "If you die, Emily won't be able to handle it. She will break. She almost did today. Emily may be a really strong person, but she won't be able to recover from losing you. Maddy, you are to Emily what Maggie was to you – that one person who truly understands you. You may not have had contact with her for many years, but you came back into her life when she needed you the most. I'm here for her all the way, but I don't understand her feels like you do. You know what to say and what to do where I have to guess and hope I choose the right things." Hotch sighed. "She needs you!"

Maddy turned her face towards him again and he saw how many tears were making their way down her cheeks. "I can't do it anymore."

"You just need to get some help and then everything will be alright."

"No it won't. And I don't want to life." Maddy tried lifting her hands up to wipe of the tears from her cheeks, but they were quickly stopped by the restrains. She sighed. "3,000,000 Americans self harm. One suicide occurs every 40 second. What makes me so different from them? What makes me so special that you feel the need to help me?"

"You aren't special to me," Hotch said and folded his arms over his chest, "but you are special to Emily. You are special to Jack. How am I supposed to explain to him that he is never going to see you again? That you will no longer play with?"

Maddy opened her mouth to answer, but slowly closed it again. She did not know what to say, and the mention of the young boy made Maddy's chest hurt and tears started falling down her cheeks. She had not thought about Jack or how this may affect him. Emily would be okay. She had Hotch and she was strong. But Jack? Jack would not understand. He was too young to understand why she felt the need to do this, to die. He would not understand. All he would know was that she had left him.

Maddy sobbed and fought hard to breathe, but she was crying too violently for the air to make it all the way down to her lunges. "I… I can't breathe," Maddy said through sobs with panic filling her voice. She instinctively sat up and tried to move her hands to her throat when she started hyperventilating.

Hotch quickly remove the strings and grabbed her shoulders. "Maddy look at me!" She did. "I need you to calm down and take slowly breathes."

Maddy's body shook as she tried breathing normally. "I can't," she gasped.

Hotch lifted her arms up over her head and she then pulled her into a hug and started rubbing circles on her back in attempt to get her to calm down. It helped. A moment later Maddy's breathing started slowing down and then returned to normal. When Hotch felt Maddy relax he gently pulled her into his lap wrapping his arms around her and was careful not to touch the IV in her right hand or her bandaged left wrist.

Maddy laid her head against his chest and pulled her legs close to her body. She felt so little sitting there in his lap, but she also felt completely safe. She had never felt like this before. Maddy could not even remember ever sitting like this with her own father, not even as a little girl. "My dad didn't want to have children and especially not girls."

Hotch was startled by the sound of Maddy's voice. She had been quite for so long that he actually thought that she may have fallen asleep. "That makes you think that."

"When Maggie was born I overheard my dad telling my mom just that. I was only four years old, but I can still remember every word he said."

"What did he say?"

"_I never wanted this. I never wanted children, but couldn't you at least have given me a boy. What use is two girls?"_

"I'm sorry."

Maddy nodded. "It's not supposed to still hurt like this, is it?"

"What?"

"Thinking about Maggie. It's been eight years. I should be able to think about her and smile, but I always cry."

"Have you ever talked to someone about her death?"

Maddy did not answer.

"I know what really happened the night she died. I know it was not a burglar, but a man whose wife your father was having an affair with. I know your parents made you lie to everyone."

"My dad was friends with the police officer. He covered everything up." Maddy sighed. "The only people I could talk to refused to talk about it."

"You have never processed her death that is why you still feel sad. You just kind of pushed it away."

"I guess so." Maddy paused, but then said, "If you want to know what happened that night then look in the green big box under my bed at home. There you will found all my diaries from the time I was seven."

"Okay."

They sat in silken for some time, but then Maddy turned her head upwards and looked at Hotch. "Is this weird?"

He looked at her a little confused. "What?"

"This. Me sitting here."

"Maybe a little," Hotch answered and Maddy started to move away from him, but he wrapped his arms tighter around her. "Weird can sometime be good."

Maddy laid her head back against his chest and said, "Thank you."

"For what?" Hotch asked.

"For caring."

* * *

"_It's not too late, it's never too late."_


	28. A real life nightmare

Run away little girl!

* * *

Emily woke up alone on the couch. For a moment she looked confusedly around and could not remember what she was doing in a hospital, but then everything came back to her – Maddy. Then Emily also remembered what Hotch had been with her and had promised to wake her up when Maddy woke, but he was not there.

Emily got up and walked to Maddy's room, but she stopped by the door and smiled. Hotch was sitting with Maddy in his lap and it looked like they were talking. She knocked on the window in the door before walking in. "Hey my pretty girl."

Maddy moved away from Hotch, cleared her throat and said with a small voice, "Hi Emmy."

Hotch sat back down in the chair and Emily moved around the bed and kissed Maddy on the head. "How are you feeling," Emily asked as she sat down.

Maddy shrugged her shoulders. "I have had a tube pushed all the way down my gullet so my stomach could get pumped and then another tube down my windpipe to keep my breathing. I can't say I feel too good."

"Yeah, but you were the one who swallowed half a glass of sleeping pills."

"And cut my wrist so I almost bled to death," Maddy said with a smile.

"I don't find this particularly funny," Emily said seriously.

Maddy looked down and pulled her legs to her chest. "Sorry."

Hotch got up, put a hand on Maddy's shoulder and squeezed it. She looked up at him when he said, "I better go now. You two should talk." He paused. "Do you have some keys or are your parents at home?"

Maddy shook her head. "They are probably still at work. Now when I decided to wake up, they had to leave work." She bit her lip. "My keys are in the bag."

Emily leaned down and got the bag up from the floor. She took out the keys and handed them to him. Hotch took the keys and kissed Emily goodbye before leaving.

Emily and Maddy sat in silence for some time, but then Emily asked, "Why did Aaron need your keys?"

"I gave him permission to read my dairies. He wanted to know that happened the night Maggie died."

"The burglary?"

"That was not what really happened," Maddy said with a sighed and then quickly told her who killed Maggie and why.

"Why didn't you talk me this?" Emily asked moving closer to the bed.

"I never told anyone! They made me lie and now I have to struggle to even remember what really happened, because I have told the lie so many times that it feels more real than the truth." Maddy sniffled and tears started to run down her cheeks. "I was eleven years old."

Emily pulled her into a tight hug and then she placed her hands on her cheeks and moved back. She wiped the tears off Maddy's cheeks and looked into her eyes. "Will you tell me what happened?"

Maddy nodded and Emily crawled into bed and held her as she started telling what happened.

* * *

"_My scar reminds me what my past is real."_

* * *

For her tenth birthday Maddy had gotten a king sized bed and every since then had Maggie spent about five nights a week on the other side of Maddy. At first Maddy had thought it was cosy to have Maggie sleeping in her room, but as time went one she had started to find it annoying, so when she woke up in the middle of the night to find Maggie's side of the bed empty Maddy smiled. But then she saw that the bedroom door was half open and that the light was on in the hall which meant that Maggie had probably just gone to the bathroom.

Maddy rolled on to her side and waited for Maggie to come back, but when she had not returned after ten minutes, Maddy got worried. She could not understand why Maggie had not come back yet, so she crawled out of bed and walked out of her room.

"Maggie?" she whispered so her parents would not wake up as she opened the bathroom door. But Maggie was not there, so Maddy walked down the stairs to the front hall and saw that the light was on in the kitchen. "Maggie?" she asked. Once again she did not get a reply and the room looked empty, but as Maddy walked further into the kitchen she saw something that made her heart skip a beat. On the other side of the kitchen counter laid Maggie. The front of her nightgown was clover in blood and she was not moving.

"No, no, no. NO!" Maddy knelt down by her side and shook her shoulders violently, wanting her to wake up. "Come on, Maggie, wake up!" Maddy begged with tears running down her cheeks, but Maggie just looked up at her with dead eyes.

Maddy sobbed as she got up from the floor and quickly ran out of the kitchen, but then out of nowhere someone grabbed her left arm and pushed her to the floor. Maddy landed flat on her back and gasped as she felt her breath leave her body. She did not even have time to understand what was going on before a man straddled her waist and cover her mouth with his left hand. Maddy twisted her body under his and kicked with her legs and arms, when he slowly pulled up her oversized t-shirt.

"Stop moving or this is going to hurt much worse."

Maddy immediately stopped moving and her eyes widened in fear. _No, this cannot be happing. This kind of thing only happens if you go somewhere with a stranger. It doesn't happen in your own hom,_ Maddy thought remembering all the awful things she had been taught that could happen to you if walked off with a stranger – rape. Maddy was eleven years old and knew about rape. She had known about it for a long time. With all the parties she went to with her parents and all the different adults that came in and out of her life, Maddy had been taught at a very young age what kinds of behavior was acceptable for an adult to use around her – and she knew that what this man was doing was not all right, not at all.

Maddy closed her eyes and waited for his hand to move down her body, but it never did. Instead he leant forward and whispered in her ear, "Your father ruined my life, so now I'm going to ruined his." He pulled out an already blood stained knife – Maggie's blood.

Maddy's eyes snapped open when he dragged the knife across her stomach. She screamed under his hand, but no sound filled the room. He lifted his hand and was about to jab the knife into her chest, but Maddy bit the hand covering her mouth and screamed out loud hoping her parents would wake up. The man furiously leant over her raised his body just enough off her waist so Maddy was able to get one leg free from under him. She kicked him in the groin and twisted away from him. She quickly ran up the stairs as she heard him moaned in pain.

* * *

"_Can you forgive me again?_

_You are my one true friend,_

_And I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry."_

* * *

Emily stroked Maddy's cheek and kissed her forehead.

"I hid in the closet for a long time and when my dad started calling my name and I didn't answered he kicked in the door and found me sitting in the corner unconscious. The cut on my stomach was deep and I had lost a lot of blood." Maddy sighed. "That was the first time I woke up in a hospital bed alone. Maggie was death and I was forgotten."

"I'm sorry, but I'm really glad you told me."

Maddy nodded. "But I feel like it's my fault that Maggie was killed."

"Why?"

"I was glad she wasn't there and because I didn't go look for her right away."

"Maddy, you couldn't have known something like that would happen."

"I know, but I still feel like it was my fault."

"Can I tell you something," Emily asked.

"Of course you can, Emmy."

"I thought it was my fault what happened to you this weekend."

"Why would you think that? You weren't even there," Maddy said confused.

Emily smiled. "That's way I felt it was my fault. If I had been with you, then it wouldn't have happened. I should have been there for you, I should have helped you."

Maddy sighed. "There was nothing you could have done for me, like there was nothing I could have done for Maggie."

"Precisely."

"I'm sorry, Emmy. I'm sorry I cost you so much hurt," Maddy said and sniffled.

"Yeah we both need to work on that." Emily held her tighter and whispered in her ear, "But now I think you should get some sleep."


	29. A young girl's mind

Run away little girl!

* * *

As Maddy had foreseen, the house was empty and Hotch slowly made his way upstairs and into her room. The bathroom door had been fixed and every blood drop had been wiped off the white tiled floor, but apart from that, Maddy's room looked like it did yesterday morning.

Instead of going directly to the bed for Maddy's dairies, Hotch decided to take a further look at her things. He walked back to the doorway and looked around the room. It was a square with white wall. The bed, dresser, TV and desk were all black. The only colour in the room was the dark purple bedspread and blue pillows on the bed and the multiple pictures, all with Maddy and Maggie in many different kinds of frames on the desk. There were no shelves with books or DVDs, no small figures or stuffed animals except for a pink rabbit sitting on her bed. Hotch did not remember seeing it there yesterday, but then again, he was not really looking.

To Hotch the room seemed impersonal.

Hotch walked away from the doorway and to the bed. He bent down and looked under it and saw to big transparent boxes. He pulled one of them out from under the bed. In it were clothes – pants and skirt from what Hotch could see. He pushed it back and pulled the other one out. In this one were bags and shoes. He pushed it back under the bed to the other box and then got up and walked over to the dresser. He pulled the drawers open and in each and every one of them were clothes.

Hotch looked confused to his right at the walked-in closet. If Maddy kept clothes in her dresser and under the bed, then what was in the many closets?

Hotch walked the 4 feet from the dresser to the first closet. In reality it was not really a walk-in closet, it was more like a short hall with three closets on each sides that led to the bathroom. Hotch pulled the first closet's door opened and smiled. It was more clothes, but not the kind of clothes he would had expected. In the closet there were about fifteen dresses hanging, all in different colours and sizes. Hotch guessed that they were the dresses Maddy used to wear at the parties her parents dragged her to. They were all very beautiful and Hotch could understand why Maddy had not tossed them away even though she had outgrown most of them.

Hotch went to the next closet and pulled the door opened – books! The shelves were covered with books and so were the shelves in the next closet. There were books about everything – cooking, painting, psychology etc. There were also a lot of novel, mostly crime novels and Hotch could not help but smile when he saw all of Dave's novels on the top shelf and then looked well read.

In the other closets were movies, CDs, stuffed animals and all the other things Hotch thought the room was missing. All the colours and all the happiness were hidden safely away where no one could see it, just like Maddy kept herself hidden from the world.

Hotch decided that he was done snooping around Maddy's room and walked to her bed and lied down on his stomach on the floor. It was dusty under the bed and Hotch had to crawl half under it in order to reach the green box. It was pushed against the wall in between the two big transparent boxes filled with clothes. Hotch pulled out the box and sat down with it on the bed, where he remove all the dairies and notebooks from the box and put it back on the floor.

Hotch looked over the books. There were six dairies with small gulden locks and some girly picture on the front and five notebooks all with a simple one colour front. He grabbed a dairy with 'My Little Pony' and tried to open it, but the lock was locked, so he looked around the room for something to open it with, when he noticed a thin silver chain with a small key hanging on the lamp on the bedside table. Hotch got up and took the chain off the lamp, then he sat back down and opened the book.

On the first page was a picture of a young Maddy and under it was written, _'I'm Madeline Michelle Moon and today is my birthday. I'm 7 years old now – June 15__th__ 1996'._ Hotch closed the dairy and locked it again – this was not the one he was looking for. He looked over the books again and this time chose one with a purple butterfly. He unlocked it and read the date on the first page – '_December 1999'._ Hotch sighed, still not the right one. He went through two more before finding one with a date that matched the time around Maggie's murder.

Hotch leafed through it till he found was he was looking for and started reading.

_

* * *

_

I hate me for breathing without you,

_I don't want to feel anymore for you._

* * *

February 2000

Maggie is dead!

Why didn't I wake up sooner? If I had woken up sooner, I could have saved her! Then I wouldn't be seeing her covered in blood every time I close my eyes. I wouldn't be havening nightmares every night. I wouldn't be missing my baby sister!

But Maggie is not the only thing I dream about. I also dream about his hands on me. How he lifted my blouse up and ran his hand over my belly before dragging the knife from left to right. The cut was not the worst thing. No, that was his hands on me – one over my mouth and the other on my belly. I can still feel him and all I want to do is shower again and again, but I'm not allowed to because of my stitches.

God, I miss Maggie so much it hurts! But I don't want to miss her; I want to be with her! If daddy hadn't found me the in closet then I would have been dead just like Maggie. I wouldn't have been left here all alone.

_

* * *

_

I long to be like you, sis,

_Lie cold in the ground like you did._

* * *

March 2000

Maggie was buried today. Because of the investigation of the murder we had to wait for weeks to bury her, but the funeral was as beautiful and there were a lot of people there. Maggie would have loved the attention, but not seeing mom cry. She cried through out the whole thing – even dad cried a bit. I cried.

Right now I'm sitting on the hallway floor. Dad is at work and mom has locked herself in their bedroom. I can hear her cry. Mom's crying and my footsteps are the only sounds in the house. No one says anything. It's the house of listens. It's driving me crazy! Daddy is working even more than before, because then he doesn't have to deal with mom's crying and my hateful looks. I'm blaming him for what happened and he knows it. Like he knows that I also know about his other affairs. He was married two times before mom and cheated on them too. He actually cheated on his second wife with mom. They were lovers from the time mom was 19 and till she got pregnant with me at 23. Then he divorced his wife and married mom. Great way to start a marriage by marrying your pregnant mistress!

Okay, it's not as bad as I make it sound like. Dad really loved mom and he has only cheated on her with that woman whose husband killed Maggie for and couple before he ended it, because he loved mom too much to hurt her anymore. Yeah okay, I may have been ears dropping a bit when mom and dad had this conversation.

Mom is still crying. I don't know where she gets all dose tears from. When I cry now there are no tears. I don't think I have anymore left. I have used up all of them. But that is good, because I'm never going to cry again and I will stop blaming dad, then maybe he will start talking to me again and be more home – he may even start loving me again.

God, I wish I was dead like you, Maggie!

_

* * *

_

I know you remember me,

_I long to be like you._

* * *

Hotch closed the dairy. He did not feel like reading anymore. It scared him how much this eleven year old girl wanted to die. She was not supposed to feel like that, and her parents were not supposed to ignore her. If only Maddy had gotten some help to get over her sister's death, then there was a big chance that she would never had tried to kill herself or started cutting.

Hotch gather all the books and laid them back in the box and pushed it back under the bed. Then he took a last look around the room before walking out off the house and back to his car.

On his way home Hotch started thinking about why Emily had started cutting herself. Was it something she started doing as a young girl like Maddy? And why did she do it? Was it because of the job they did? Hotch turned his car around and drove in the direction of Emily's apartment.

/

Emily had just crawled under the covers when she heard the doorbell. She sighed loudly and got out of bed, walked down the stairs and opened the door to see Hotch standing on the other side. "Oh, I didn't know you were coming by tonight. If I did I would have waited up."

"Did I wake you?"

"No," Emily said with a small smile as Hotch walked inside. When she closed the door Hotch wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug. Emily had not seen it coming and was slightly startled, but she did not pull away, she just leant her head against his chest and closed her eyes.

"Today have been a long day," Hotch mumbled against Emily hair.

"You are telling me! I think this have been one of the worst days ever!"

Hotch leant back and took her face in his hands. He let his thumbs brushing over her cheeks and looked her in the eyes. "Why did you start cutting?"

Emily moved away from Hotch and turned her back to him. "Talking about that is not going to make my day any better."

Hotch sighed.

"I'm going to bed," Emily said and walked up the stairs. Hotch waited a couple of minutes before walking the same way as Emily had. When he reached the bedroom, Hotch could see Emily lying in the bed with her back to the door. He did not know if she had already fallen asleep so Hotch just quickly took of his clothes and crawled under the covers next to Emily. He wrapped his left arm around her stomach and kissed her shoulder. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

Emily sighed deeply as she moved closer to Hotch and laid her right hand on top of his. "Some months before the case with Annie I had an accident," she whispered. "It was after a long case and I had just gotten back to my apartment. I knocked a glass over and it fell to the floor. It broke into many pieces and when I picked them up from the floor I cut myself on one of the pieces."

Hotch tightened his hold on her and lightly kissed her neck wanting her to continue.

Emily sighed. "The moment the piece of glass cut into my hand I forgot all about the case and the hurt. I only thought about the pain and then it became a way for me to feel numb. When I feel too much, I cut and then I will feel numb and be in control," Emily said with sniffled and turned to face Hotch. The dim coming through the window made it possible for Hotch to see the tears in Emily's eyes.

He leant down to kiss her gently and whispered against her lips, "I love you."


	30. It's a 'see you later' not goodbye

Run away little girl!

* * *

"How did the case go?" Maddy asked as she put the book she had been reading away. She was no longer wearing a hospital gown. Due to the fact that she had been moved from the ICU Maddy had also been allowed to wear her own closet. So now Maddy saw sitting Indian style on top of the covers in jeans and a big, red and black flannel shirt.

Emily sat down on the side of the bed. She had been away on a case for a little over a week, but even over the short time Emily could see an improvement in Maddy. She did not look as sad as she had when Emily had left. Not to say that she did not still have that sad expression she used too, but it was also like her eyes were shinning. Emily could see small snippets of happiness in them.

"The Unsub was caught and a live was saved," Emily said with a smile.

"That's good."

Emily tilted her head to the side and said, "You look happy."

"I do?" Maddy asked looking surprised at Emily.

"Mmhmm…" Emily nodded. "You are even wearing happy looking socks."

Maddy winked her pink Hello Kitty covered toes. "Hello Kitty socks are cool, but I don't know if I would call them happy."

"For someone like you, they are happy looking socks."

"For someone like me?" Maddy asked trying to sound offended.

Emily rolled her eyes. "You know that I mean."

"That I'm not usually a happy person who wears happy looking things?"

Emily gave her a slight nod and a soft smile.

"Yeah, but my therapist is doing weird things to my mind. She is making me all happy and such." Maddy shook her head. "Talking about things actually helps. I should never have listened to my parents and kept all of it hidden away. I should just have talked about it, but it's too late to worry about all that now." Maddy pulled her knees to her chest and laid her head against them.

Emily gently stroked her cheek. "Maddy, you were a traumatized 11 year-old! Of course you listened to your parents; every little girl would do so."

"Yeah, but I can't help but think how different my life would have been, if I just had gotten the help I needed after Maggie's murder." She shook her head and sighed. "I know it's stupid to think about those things, but I can't help it. It's almost impossible for me to think of a life where I'm happy, because I have gotten so used to not being happy and now I'm starting to get happy, like I was supposed to have been all those years where I weren't." Maddy sighed again. "Does any of what I just said make any sense?"

Emily smiled. "Yeah I understood most of it."

Maddy nodded and looked more closely at Emily. Her "happy spark" was missing and the smile did not really reach her eyes. Maddy moved closer to Emily and then hugged her. Taking her totally by surprise. Emily just sat still in chook for a moment before hugging Maddy back. "How are _you_ feeling?" Maddy asked as she sat back down cross legged on the bed.

"I'm fine," Emily said and knowing that Maddy would see through the lie.

"Fine is just a four lettered word."

"What?" Emily asked surprised that Maddy had not commented on her lie.

"It's something that my therapist always says; when I say I'm fine. She says what 'fine' isn't a feeling; it is just a four lettered word that doesn't mean anything."

"Oh."

"Yeah I already told you that she was doing weird things to my head," Maddy said with an eye roll. "So Emmy, how are you? How are you really feeling?"

Emily could not help but laugh at the fake serious expression on Maddy face. "Okay I'm not fine then, but something in between good and bad."

"Why good and why bad," Maddy asked trying to sound like her therapist.

Emily tilted her head to the side and decided to play along with whatever Maddy was doing, in hopes of Maddy being more open to her when she started asking her questions of her own. "Okay, bad because of the people who were killed by the Unsub. Good because of the live that was saved and that I'm home again."

"Uh, Dr. Hall would like you. You answered the question just like she would have wanted."

"Dr. Hall is your therapist?" Emily asked as she thought back at the Doctor from their therapy group. Emily had gone to the eight meetings like she had been required to and after the last meeting Emily had left with a smile on her lips and never looked back. There was no way in hell she was going back there if she did not have too.

"Yep she is, but it is not so bad to have her as my therapist as I had thought. Being in her therapy group and then in private is not the same at all! She is actually kind of sweet."

"But?" Emily asked felling that there was something more.

"But I'm being discharge from this hospital tomorrow."

"What do you mean by '_this hospital'_?"

Maddy sighed. "A lot of things haves happened while you have been away."

"Good or bad things," Emily asked a bit concerned.

"My parents are getting a divorce, which was a long time coming thing. I think they may have stayed together for my sake and because of my problems, but all their fighting only made things worse with me, because I started blaming myself for their fights," Maddy said looking down.

Emily took Maddy's hand in hers and squeezed it lightly. "Things are going to be okay you know," she said with a small smile.

"Yeah," Maddy said and looked up. "But the divorce I actually see as a good thing. It's what is going to happen now, that I find is less good." Maddy sighed. "My mom is moving to New York and I'm going with her. That is also where the hole '_I'm being discharge from this hospital_' comes in, because when I get to Now York I'm being admitted to MPC – Manhattan Psychiatric Center. It not a real hospital and it seems like a good place. They even have a library and everything."

"Are you okay with going?"

"Yeah I think it's time for me to get better. I just wish I could stay here with you. I don't want to hurt you by leaving."

Emily stroke Maddy's cheek and then pulled her into a tight hug. "You wouldn't hurt me by leaving. It will only hurt me if you don't get better. And you don't have to worry about me I have people around me who support me and want to help me get better," she mumbled against Maddy's hair holding the tears that were forming in her eyes. Through the last couple of months Maddy had become such a big part of her life and it made stomach hurt thinking about Maddy leaving. But Emily knew she was going to be okay, because Hotch would be there for her, no matter what happened.

Maddy sniffled. "I'm going to miss you so much, Emmy!"

"I'm going to miss you too, honey," Emily said and let the tears fall from her eyes and into Maddy's black hair.


	31. I will remember you always

Run away little girl!

* * *

Emily sighed as she walked from the bathroom to her bed where she sat down. Emily was tired. Since she spent most of the day and night crying, she had not gotten much sleep the night before. Emily had not thought that Maddy leaving would have such a big emotional impact on her, but it had.

Maddy had been discharged from the hospital Friday, so Emily spent the weekend with her helping Maddy pack everything in her room into cardboard boxes. They talked and laughed and even danced around Maddy's room while packing things away. It had been a nice weekend, but even with all the laugher, Emily had not been able to stop thinking about how this was probably the last time in a while that they were going to see each other. Emily had been able to hold back her tears as she said goodbye to Maddy and watched her and her mother drive away, but as soon as she stepped over the threshold, the tears started falling. She cried so hard, she thought she would never stop again.

Emily looked around her room and felt her eyes start to tear up again. It was weird how quickly Maddy once again had become such a big part of her life. It was like a part of her had been taken away.

Emily sighed and wiped away the tear that had made its way down her cheek. She could not help but think that this must have been how Maddy felt all those years ago when she was the one who moved away. Had she cried after they said goodbye back then? Was she crying now?

Emily shook her head. She had to stop thinking about Maddy as if she had died. Maddy was for once in a long time happy and it was not like she was never going to hear from her again. They were after all living in the 21st century with computers, internet and cell phones.

Emily got up from the bed when her phone started beeping. She walked to pick up the phone from the dresser and saw that she had gotten a text message from Maddy. Emily smiled and opened the message.

_'Emmy, you have such a beautiful smile and lovely laugh, so stop crying!'_

As she read it her smile grew bigger and she let out a small laugh. _'I'm not crying.'_

_'Liar!'_

_'Am not! It has been at least over an hour since the last time I cried.'_

_'Yeah, me too:) Have a good day at work.'_

_'You too, sweetie.'_ Emily put her phone away with a smile.

But Emily's smile quickly faded away when she thought back to how the Friday afternoon had played out. Maddy had come by the office with her mother. Maddy had wanted to go by herself, but her mother had insisted on coming with her to meet the people her daughter had secretly been seeing on the Fridays she was supposed to be at meetings at the hospital.

_

* * *

_

"We might be apart but I hope you always know,

You'll be with me where ever I go."

* * *

As soon as Maddy and Ann walked through the glass doors Jack came running down the stairs from Hotch's office as fast as he could and then swung his small arms around Maddy legs hugging them tightly. Ann looked stunned down at the little boy before looking back up at Maddy.

"And who is this?" Ann asked.

Maddy did not answer her mother's question; she just picked Jack up and hugged him tight against her chest.

"Hey pretty boy," Maddy said, kissing him on the cheek, but then she started crying. Her mother put her hand on her shoulder, but Maddy shook of the hand and quickly made her way over to Emily and the other team members, who had been watching them curiously. Maddy ignored them and sat down with Jack on the chair by Emily's desk. Jack laid his head against Maddy's shoulder and looked up at her with his big brown eyes.

"Are you being sad, because you have to go away?" Jack asked.

"Who told you that I'm going away?"

"Daddy," Jack said, "and today is the last day we will play."

Maddy nodded. "Yeah that's true, sweetie. Me and my mom are moving." Maddy said and pointed to her mother, who smiled and waved at Jack.

Jack smiled and sat up right on Maddy's lap. "Me and daddy have a gift for you," Jack said and wiped of remains of tears left on Maddy's cheeks off.

She smiled and kissed him on the nose. "What did you get me?"

"I won't tell!" Jack laughed and jumped of Maddy's lap and ran to Hotch, who was standing in front of his office with a gift wrapped package in his hands.

Maddy looked at the others and saw that Hotch was not the only one with a gift for her. Maddy felt guilty. All of these people cared so much for her that they spent the time buying her a goodbye gift, because they were sad that she was leaving, and two weeks ago she had tried to kill herself. She had not even thought about how she may have hurt them by doing so. She had only thought about herself. For the first time Maddy felt really guilty about what she had done, but Maddy shoved her guilt aside as she looked at Emily who was smiling at her.

Ann cleared her throat and walked closer to Maddy.

Maddy sighed remembering that her Mother was there. So she gotten up and stood beside her mother and started to introduce each of the BAU team members to her. Ann gently shook hands with each and every one of them and said, "It is very nice to meet you all, considering that my daughter has spent quite a lot of time with you every Friday even though she was supposed to be somewhere else." She could see that the team did not know anything about the meetings on Friday afternoons that Maddy skipped, as they all just looked confusedly at Ann.

Maddy's cheeks redden as she looked down and mumbled, "Thanks a lot mom."

Ann was just about to say something back, but luckily for Maddy Morgan came to the rescue. "It has been nice to have her here, Ma'am. Maddy is very sweet and funny girl."

'Thank you', Maddy mouthed and Morgan winked at her with a small smile.

"You want your gifts?" Garcia asked and handed Maddy a bright pink packet with a blue bow before Maddy had even time to answer her question.

Maddy looked down at the packet in her hands and then back up at the people around her. "You do know why I'm moving, right? The reason I'm leaving?"

JJ tilted her head to the side and smiled. "We don't judge."

Maddy smiled and knew that she was right. They did not judge her like other people might have. Maddy sat back down on the chair by Emily's desk and started to open her present from Garcia. As the gift wrapper came of a book was appeared. "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Márquez. Maddy looked up at Garcia, who was smiling widely.

"It's supposed to be like the greatest love story of all time."

"I thought that was 'Romeo and Juliet'.

Garcia grinned. "Well then the greatest love story of a newer time."

Maddy laughed and got up and hugged Garcia as she thanked her for the book.

Ann watched as her daughter laughed and smiled and never once did it sound or look fake. Her smile was really genuine and covered her whole face. She laid her hand on her daughter's shoulder and squeezed it lightly. Maddy looked up at mother and saw her smiling down at her. Ann kissed the top of Maddy's head and let go of her shoulder and slowly made her way over to where Emily stood. She folded her arms across her chest and said, "She seems happy."

Emily nodded and looked from a smiling Maddy to Ann, who was watching her daughter closely.

"Has she been this happy every time she has been here?"

Emily shook her head. "No. She always smiled and laughed, but we all knew that it wasn't real. When she smiled it didn't reach her eyes and her laugher would sound stiff." Emily sighed and looked back at Maddy.

"The boy, Jack? Who is he?" Ann asked nodding her head towards the others.

"That is Hotch's son. He is divorced and has Jack every weekend when we are not out on a case. One Friday when Maddy was here, Hotch's ex-wife had to drop Jack of here earlier than she planned, so Maddy volunteered to babysit Jack while Hotch worked. Now Jack comes early every Friday so he and Maddy have time to play together."

Ann nodded, but did not say anything. She could see how much her daughter liked the little boy. Every time he came near her she would reach out and ruffle his hair or stroke his cheek.

Maddy looked to her right and saw her mother and Emily talking with each other. Maddy did not know whatever it was a good idea or not. She turned back to the others. "How much of a geek do you think I am?" Maddy asked, referring to the five books that were now lying on Emily's desk.

"Considering that you are always reading a new book every time you are here, we estimate that you probably enjoyed reading a lot," Reid said.

Maddy nodded slowly. "Okay…"

JJ laughed. "There was also a little bird that whispered in our ears that you have quite a lot of books."

"Emily?"

"Hotch actually," Garcia said with a small smile.

"Oh," Maddy said a bit confused. How did he know she had many books? Then a light went on in Maddy's head. "Oh!" The day with the dairies. He must have been snooping in her things. She looked at Hotch and saw him mounting 'Sorry'. Maddy just smiled. She loved all of the books, but the best one she had to admit was the one from Rossi. When Maddy had unwrapped the book from him she had squealed loudly. It was his newest book. He had even signed it and everything. Maddy was a big fan of David Rossi. She just never had the nerve to actually tell him, but he had obviously noticed himself.

"My turn now daddy?" Jack asked looking up at his dad. Hotch nodded and handed Jack the gift. He quickly ran to Maddy and laid the box in her lap. "Purple," Jack said and pointed at the gift.

"My favourite color."

"I know!" Jack giggled. "Open now."

Maddy did as he said and pulled the lid of the purple box. She moved the silk paper to the side and saw a white wooden frame on the bottom of the box. A smile spread across her face as she took the frame out of the box.

"It's me and you."

"I can see that." As she looked at the picture of her and Jack – from that day at the zoo – all Maddy wanted to do was cry. Oh she was going to miss this little boy as much as she was going to miss Emily.

"I have one too!"

"A picture?"

"Mmhmm," Jack said and tilted his head to the side. "So I will remember you."

"You will remember me?" Maddy asked. "Always?"

"Always," Jack said and reached his arms out for Maddy to lift him up. She put the frame back in the box and lay it on the desk next to the books. Then she lifted Jack up into her lap and pulled him into a tight hug. Jack laid his head against Maddy's chest and cuddled up in her arms. "I will remember you always."

_

* * *

_

"I know I'll miss you but we'll meet again someday,

We'll never fade away."

* * *

Emily walked through the glass doors to the bullpen and sat down by her desk emptying her pockets into it. Cell phone, keys and what is that? By her keys lay a small folded up piece of paper. Emily did not remember putting that in her pocket.

Emily felt her chest tightening. The last time she had found an unknown piece of paper, it had been Maddy's suicide letter. Emily unfolded it and saw that once again the words on the paper were in Maddy handwriting, but it was not a goodbye. It was Maddy's way to tell her that everything would be okay.

_"'My skin is signed but it heals my heart and with glowing pride I'll wear my scars.' – They won't judge. I promise you that."_

Emily knew all too well what Maddy was referring to. Her scars, the fine white lines that covered her left forearm. The reason for why she had not worn short sleeves in months. Her scars. Emily sighed and leant back in her seat. Should she do it? Should she really take of her blazer? Let her bare arms be shown? There was not anybody else here yet, so she could do it. She could always quickly put the blazer back on when the others came. Emily closed her eyes taking a deep breath and then she took off her jacket. She hesitated for a moment, but then she also removed her blazer.

Emily looked down at her bare arms. She felt really exposed, naked even.

"You looked good in red."

Emily's head snapped up by the sound of Hotch voice. He was walking towards her and Emily quickly used her right hand to cover her left forearms as good as possible.

"I… umm… I…" Emily stammered not knowing what to say.

Hotch leant against her desk and made sure to look at her face and not at her for once not covered up arms. "You know that your scars won't go away just because you cover them with long sleeves, right?"

"I know," Emily said with a sad smile.

Hotch looked around the bullpen making sure no one else was there before he moved closer to Emily. "I love you in short sleeves with or without scars as long as your top is red!" Hotch said with a grin and quickly placed a soft kiss on her lips.

Emily smiled big. Maybe things would start to get better now. 'No, not maybe! They would start to get better, because I have Hotch!' Emily thought as she placed her hand on each side of Hotch's face and kissed him with everything she was worth.

_

* * *

_

"I will never stop smiling as long as you are here with me.

_

* * *

_

A/N – So this is the last chapter of my first story. Actually tomorrow it will be a year since I posted the first chapter and I would love to thank all of you, who have been following my story for this long. And thank you for all of your lovely reviews and the fact that you have taken the time to write to me, telling me how much you like that I have written. It means a lot to me, seeing that I got the idea for this story through my own experience with self harm. On December 8_th__ 2010 it will be two years since I last cut, so I'm very proud of myself :) And I will also like to say thank you to Karen (tazlvr2001) my lovely beta reader for sticking with me for so long, thank you!_

_If anyone thinks that something is missing from my story or you want something to get __elaborated__, then you are more than welcome to send me a message and hopefully I will be able to make the part into a one-short._


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